Explaining ‘SUPERMALT FICTION’

This started of as a writing exercise entitled ‘What my ethnicity means to my writing?’ then halfway through became a perfect blog for you lot. I was then going to title the blog the 5 reasons why I call my creative writing 'Supermalt Fiction'...but then 5 reasons became 6 (Reasons 2 & 3 were once one-SHHH!). I THOUGHT about renaming it'6 Reasons...' or '5 Reasons +1...' but knew my intelligent readers (don't look around -I'm talking about YOU) would see through this. Thus, I skipped the number of reasons thing completely.

My non-creative writing doesn’t really need an explanation because you’re reading THIS and you may have read previous blogs. The title of my blogging in general (or general blogging if you will) is ‘Welcome To The African Quarter’ which should be self explanatory. My blog’s purpose is to treat subjects, African that are avoided or handled delicately or mournfully or over-seriously in an irreverent and humorous manner. Africans take ourselves and our issues too seriously and through other people’s eyes. I like the European way laughing at themselves as a form of self-analysis. People will be too busy laughing to ‘switch-off’ and might get my message in the process.

AAAAANNNYWAY...unto the title of THIS specific blog: Explaining ‘SUPERMALT FICTION’. If you don't already know I’ve nicknamed my style of creative writing ‘Supermalt Fiction’. These are my reasons:

1) The Inside-Joke
It get’s people who know what Supermalt is smiling.
It get’s people who don’t know what Supermalt is smiling and intrigued. Inside jokes are good for business. More on this later but there’s nothing like the smell of the Black esoteric to get White people wanting to ‘buy-in'. YEAH I said it –Every Black person knows what Supermalt is but White people have money too!

2) Supermalt –The beverage
Supermalt is good for you. My writing is going to good for you –whether you’re African or not. At the very least it will make you smile if not laugh. These things are good for your face and/or your lifespan.

3) “What’s Supermalt?”
Supermalt is a very difficult beverage to describe. Many a drinker will tell you it’s better “you taste for yourself”. just like my writing. I as the writer (or brewer if you will) even struggle to describe my writing sometimes. So it’s better you sample it for yourself.

4) Supermalt is brewed in Europe based on an African recipe.
I was born in Africa and raised in Europe. Whilst I'm living in Europe my writing will be largely set in Europe…off an African recipe: African characters with African mindsets, through the African themes, philosophies and to it’s historical and cultural references.

5) Serving suggestions
Supermalt is popularly enjoyed in a party/relaxed atmosphere. My writing is fun and though I hope it’s embraced by all ethnic groups particularly hope it’s enjoyed by African to relax and be entertained while gaining something too.

6) The complex flavour.
Supermalt is an acquired taste. My writing may take some time to get used to because it can be somewhat bitter –variable by the temper at which it’s consumed. My writing may offend at times but I like to think the humour and sweet and cool and energising nature in which it’s delivered will offset that and help readers accept the elements they don’t like in the spirit (Please note Supermalt is non-alcoholic) in which it’s intended.

Mama Bowss!

I am in love with this Woman.
To be precise I am either in love with the Woman or in love with the picture. I am going to print out this Woman and put Her on my wall in kitchen or living room until such time I get married and my wife has me take it down because she's jealous. I don’t know who this Woman is. I might even google the issue after this blog to find out but I probably won't. Maybe I’m in love with the enigma that the Woman and the size of her cigar is.

I don’t even know where she’s from. She can be from Cuba or Haiti or Cape Verde –the details and her language don’t matter. She is an African. Look at the deepness of the Brownness of her skin and the granite in her eyes.

It could be that I’m in love with the picture but I’ve seen photography of this style of lighting up the subject’s eyes the way the Dima Chatrov has and I haven’t fallen in love with subject before. Seems derivative (sorry if using derivative makes me seem like one of those w#nkers but I wanted to risk it.) of the Franklyn Rogers outdoor exhibition in Peckham, you know it –the one with the black and white close-ups of Stringer Bell, Mickey Bricks, and old brother man from Eastenders.

But back to this Woman:

>She represents everything that is my motif ‘Welcome To The African Quarter’. She just does not give a #*&% about what outsiders might think about her.

>She is what God (THE God or one of the lesser ones) would look like if Quentin Tarantino, the Coen brothers and Aaron McGruder ever collaborated on a film where God features. The main character would meet Her and dream of She as a result of a sleep from only the finest marijuana.

>Racism yes, but she has not experienced male chauvinism before. No man would dare, at least not to her face. She is accepted as any man’s equal.

>She is a freedom fighter who has passed on her lessons and training to the next generation of women and men to continue the good fight. She understands that although the battlefield changes the enemy hasn’t, so much.

>She has killed five husbands, only three of them Her own.

>With the right background and teaching she would have risen to a president or general. She knows this although she spends her days rolling cigars (much faster and tighter than the younger girls). She get’s more than the other cigar rollers get for each of Her cigars because of an unopposable combination of Her seneriority, expertise and unf#ckwiddability.

>She is the reincarnation of Harriet Tubman or her grand-niece.

>She is disgusted by women who show their deeply held shame of their skin and hair by doing things to their scalps and skin to look mor European to their body’s detriment.

I am yet to complete my first original properproper poem and this Woman is probably going to be the one to inspire me. I cannot express in words how much the image above inspires and enthrals me! I COULD have said I wish She was my grandmother…on my mother’s side (my paternal grandmother is her own kind of bad-ass) but I will leave it at that and that return to this muse when better words come to me. For those of you who know the story of this Woman –only comment if you REALLY feel the need to DON’T email me because I don’t want to know the truth. This woman is always going to be what she is to me now and more.

Don’t Get It Mixed Up! Part I

I recently submitted ten pages of a sitcom to a BBC competition called ‘All Mixed Up’. Those of you who pass by this blog know that I don’t do self depreciating negativity or pity but all things considered I do believe there’s very little chance of my script getting picked up.

Why? like very good argument, I am supplying three points to support this hypothesis

Reason 1 of 3 Gbontwi won’t be working with the BBC…The competition called for “broad humour that appeals to a wide audience”.
?
I don’t do all that. I only decided to go for the competition because ‘What’s the worst that can happen?’ Actually the worst is someone might steal my idea some years down the line and get rich off it like Warnher Brothers did Carol Stewart. I still submitted my piece despite my DEEP pessimism because nothing from nothing get’s nothing. So after some DIY copyrighting to prevent plagiarism I decided to take ‘All Mixed Up’ as an opportunity to finally put on paper an idea I’ve had bouncing in my head for a couple of years now.

I got to thinking about TV comedy and TV in general about why it has to broad. I love all kinds of comedy TV but very few kinds with my kind of niche humour have made it big in their respective countries or internationally: The Office(UK), The Royle Family, Curb Your Enthusiasm and The Game to name a couple of couples. These had specific humour (that I believe is the smartest & best) that many won’t get but still went large! I have noticed that the shows that do get made that break the mould are spearheaded by big or rising stars that the BBC, NBC etc are willing to take a risk on.

Most TV comedies I’ve liked (Frasier, Cheers, Cosby Show, King of Queens, Spin City) are very funny because of their twenty writer teams comedy but follow standard formulas. These are the TV shows that can be conceived by nobodies (i.e. me) that get picked up for not offending anybody and appealing to every possible Joe Average.

Worse than that though brings me to...

Reason 2 why Gbontwi won’t be working with the BBC…
Because it IS the BBC. The BBC are highly likely to take my highly original idea (titled ‘The St.Reatham Afristocracy’ – the adventures of a dead African leader’s grown up children living in south London) and make it a former shadow of itself.

Again there’s ‘even worse’ option. The show might make Black people look bad. I would probably back out. I could quote ‘The Wire’ as making Black people look bad but still being a BAD muthaphukka of a show but that’s drama and this is comedy. I don’t want no minstrels for my show inside –all in an attempt to make it appeal to the mainstream. Here be the debate. Would they merely want me to put a white face in it like C4 did with Desmond’s? Fact –Black people don’t support their own as much as I could so when I’m writing a TV show who am I expecting to watch it? There was once a TV show called ‘The Game’ on CW –An American TV channel which was one of the baddest Black shows. Because it wasn’t about suffering and pain and hope and bible and God and dancing it got cancelled after 4series. How far would I go to get a show I write a more than cult-following? Not very far I think. 1) Less funny. Just having the BBC having shown interest means I could go away & talk 2 ITV, C4 or sky with that kudos behind me –even if I had 2 pay 2 get my pilot made. The Miss Jocelyn Show or ‘The Crouches’ amongst other BBC productions have all been accused of not being funny. I would rather be funny and then cancelled and remembered fondly (and oft-youtubed) than the common alternative.

I suppose I’ll have to hold out for HBO.

Reason 3 why Gbontwi won’t be working with the BBC…The BBC’s deadline was midnight on a Monday night and I submitted mine at about 00:01 Tuesday morning.

Hackdonga Meets ‘The Titi Gray Show’

This is a tribute to a Youtube hustler. In the midst of my networking as a writer, I meet of models, actors, and of course other writers. There’s a whole lot of talent waiting to be discovered. And that’s what they’re doing waiting. They’ve sent their demo discs and show reels into the Warner this or that and they’re waiting until a rich man with Stein in his surname come to sign them to a big contract and cheque in the first instance. The only thing I have against people that achieve success in this way is that there are VERY VERY rare. Even white people’s submissions to record labels and publishers and studios are getting recorded so this African KNOW it’s tough. I tried to get my book published through the mainstream but went the self-publishing route to create my notoriety.

Introducing Dzifa Abequaye Gray. I’m not saying I’m the new Max Clifford or Simon Cowell for spotting and making future stars but you WILL hear about Dzifa. And this will documentary evidence that you heard it here first! If you already know about her then nod in agreement and go about the business of proclaiming the news of her back to your friends, family, acquaintances and debtors. She is some one not waiting for but creating her own PR storm.

She’s using her show to promote herself and all the likeminded hustlers cum entrepreneurs/actors/singers. I’m about to blog on Black on Black business dime were moving beyond supporting each other just because we’re Black but because we’ve got something worth supporting. Don’t youtube her and program your phones to remind you when she’s on FB because she’s African but because she’s a fun host and she’ll be interviewing the freshest and hungriest talent available in the UK and beyond. Did I mention she’s sexy too? Hold on let me read back quickly…Dzifa…hustler…supporting…first…promote…OBE…No I didn’t. She’s sexy too in a way that is only matched by her voice which is unreasonably sexy as well.

Supermalt Fiction Sound-Off!

Following a date change instead of going to 'Voice Of Africa Radio' this month to talk about the Black History Month release of my debut novel 'What Do You Call It?'... I'm going to 'Voice Of Africa Radio' IN Black History Month to talk about the Black History Month release of my debut novel 'What Do You Call It?

Hear more about the the Crime Comedy story that capers from London to Accra then back to London.
It's got a cool inner-city star, beautiful women, urban to tropical locations, regular bad-guys, secret bad-guys, races, car chases, white van chases, knives, guns...
and Supermalt.
What more could you ask for?

Listen analogue or list online and tell a friend to tell a friend!

The 'Supermalt Fiction' revolution has started.

Brkn Lngwjz > The Hackdongā Remix

Further to my blog on the film ‘Coz ov Moni’ I have scripted a personal remix to their Wanlov The Kubolor and M3nsa -AKA the Fokn Bois' song Brken Lngwjz!

After hearing this particular song on the soundtrack of the film there’s probably no questions fans should have have about the Fokn Bois. I remixed it for myself and though I'm no poet I'll figure out a way of puttin it toi the right kind of instrumental. Totally and utterly self-indulgent -but phukkit this is my blog and hopefully you laugh if I want you to!

Check it out:

The “I'm from Ghana [but I'm not short am I!"] sometimes over-compensator,
The stand up comedians are the new prophets believer,
The ‘if you have to ask you won’t understand’ negotiator,
The medieval African history and now ancient history try-to-reader,
The capitalist and imperialist –yes but lizard-jew-conspiracy not sure if I believer,
The only HBO, MOTD and OBE TV watcher,
The movies from the west writing-acting be the finest but African comedy dey bee sayer,
The cockney rhyming pidgin slang mixer,
The yeah she’s got a big bum but “lookherFACE” headshaker,
The I'm going to be marry an African woman –they EXPENSIVE must preparer!
The “whydon’tIhaveaBritishpassport?” ‘because you won’t understand’ explanation avoider,
The Hacknee&La travellertodefender,
The what’stheworsethatcanhappen maxim liver byer,
The I believe in a God but not religiously aGNOSTICer,
The also Busta Rhymes Fela Kuti truster,
The bum to waist ratio calculator, & if I grab her bum she’ll slap me but worth it nodder.
The America and English are WICKEDEVILLER but also Africans blamer
The “Yeah I get money for drop-in but I’L trotro it” hailer,
The ‘If I wanted to hustle you -you’d be hustled’ hustla,
The “Virgin?! But can you prove it?!” disbeliever,
The your secret is safe with me because I'll forget itta,
The Kwame Nkrumah, Marcus Garvey and Imhotep follower and aspirer,
The Nelson Mandela AND Barack Obama mightcan be over-rated agreer
The “What has Will Smith, Wesley and Denzil got that I don’t have?” complainer
The drug dealers are the new slave catchers sayer.
The I know writers ain’t ‘IN’ right now but we’re coming back mek I believer
The yeah we need a revolution but we need to be organised and on time first.
The not homophobic but we have a problem if you compare it to racism vexer
The offend ‘em then apologiser
The DVD bootleg buyer and music but never porn downloader
The public sector because the private bosses greed too much worker
The ‘Yeah you have a bigger car but can you game like me?’ swaggerer
The make smiler! the procrastinator! the compromiser! The Black Star supporter!
The secret Nigerian admirer! The funny statuser! The equivocator! The joke teller! The humour writer! The planner! The talker! The on-timer! The bad driver! The non-swearer! The temporary non-drinker! The toothpaste bottom squeezer! The lazy blogger!

'Coz Ov Moni'

Apologies for the long delay in my posts. I've been dealing with various publishing woes, woman trouble (posts pending) and post-Suarez depressions.

You like my parole officers will be getting details of whereabouts and my goingz-onz. Let's start with a film premiere I was of course late to because of chicken eating. The premiere was for ‘Coz Ov Moni’ -a film from Accra entirely dialogued in song and lyrics (with subtitles for non-Pidgin speakers).

Check out the youtube clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xhKbiYohn6k

This is the sort of film that should be coming out of Africa. It’s original, stylish, funny. are consummate traits in Ghanaian art and culture and designs but in sn attempt to keep up with the Jones (read: The West...or Nigeria depending on the conversation we’re having) TV and music is becoming more and more predictable and materialistic.

Not ‘Coz Ov Moni’. The first ever pidgin musical. Starring one of hiplifes better beat innovators M3nsa and the Wanlov The Kubolor -a Rastafarian in a skirt -what more could you possibly want from a movie!?! I'm not friends with these guys so this is a GENUINE unsolicited biggup!

Watch out for this film and inevitable sequels. It belongs to the ‘Friday’ school of storylines. I.E. it’s about two men trying to get through a day in their neighbourhood dealing with others with as much style as possible.

I foresee stage musicals and (most probably inferior) copycats. I of course have my autographed copy of film and soundtrack and I'm not sure how you can obtain a copy of the VCD but I'll update this blog when I can about how you can do this.

USA VS USA (United States of Africa) AKA 'soccer' is all fair and good but leave the football to Ghana

-It's Ghana again! Bill Clinton did you see that?! BillyC -did u see that?! Ghana beat USA in FOOTBALL (not soccer)! I believoour! Americans!? Neil Armstrong! Robert DeNiro! Al Pacino! apple pie! Black Michael Jackson! White Michael Jackson! Jerry Seinfeld! Ronald Reagan! George(s) Bush! Dick Cheney! Michael Moore! Steven Spielberg! The woman with the breasts from Baywatch, the casts of Sunset Beach, Dynasty and Dallas! Your boys took one hell of a beating last night! A hell of a beating!

Grand Theft Statue

Look at what Senegal have got themselves! It’s beautiful innit?! Standing at 160feet it’s higher than the Statue of Liberty, designed by a Senegalese architect. The Monument of African Renaissance. Cool name too! Africanness, Strength, Beauty…At a cost of $27MILLION! That’s about £14 MILLION. In SENEGAL! –A country where half the population lives below the poverty line.

I want to be annoyed for the Senegalese but I can’t because (get offended if you’re the type that likes that getting offended or tell me it’s none of my business. I AM a West African but one who has never been Senegal. I DO plan to go to Senegal someday –but only because I heard the women there are beautiful and speak French) Let’s be honest there’s always going to be poor people and politicians will always do what they want with our money. What better way for a politician to spend money you didn’t want to give them than this? The tourism it will attract might make your children and your children’s children less poor later?



Nevertheless, some women are upset because it looks like the woman is being pulled along so it’s sexist, the Muslims are annoyed because it's facing Mecca and the bared flesh, the Christians are also upset because of the bared flesh but for a bonus upsetting, the President (who also feels he deserves 35% of tourist revenue it brings in as "intellectual rights.") compared the brother in the statue to Jesus!

So in short the Senegalese are not happy with their new statue. This is by no means an exhortation to anyone that finds themselves near Africa’s western-most point to steal it. No, a plan to take it with a combination of JCB earthmoving machines or hydraulics combined with ropes and pulleys to apply necessary and safe pressure to the statue’s loadbearing points in a twelve hour operation that could be executed during the hours of night…is not at all what I’m saying…at all. I wouldn’t give my email hackdonga@live.co.uk to any of you to contact me regards any projected escape routes (Route 1: Overland Guinea-Bissau to Ivory Coast then Ghana, Route 2: Overland again this time through Mali and Burkina Faso then south to Ghana, Route 3: By sea over the Atlantic ocean with a possible stop at Cape Verde for refreshments then south-east for Ghana)

I have very positive hopes for Africa. I envision this statue one day being lauded as the first of many landmarks in West Africa that isn't a slavery castle or mosque erected by Christian and/or Muslim invaders. After all, all the biggest landmarks always receive criticism at first e.g. The Eiffel Tower, the Statue of Liberty, the Millennium Dome, the Pyramids (I don’t know about the pyramids for a fact but at the very least the builders who were buried alive in them had to have objected)

How not to rob an old woman

I want to tell you a story. It's a story based/derived/stolen from what happened to a guy I met at the barbershop last week. This story has all the makings of an urban legend but I actually met the guy this happened to. First of all it’s important you don’t judge me because I just MET the guy -he’s not a friend and even if he was a friend…you still shouldn’t judge. It says so in the bible and there's a very important bible element to this story.

Anyway so here it goes. In interests of security and privacy let’s call this guy ‘Marlon’ –no hang on Marlon's his real name-let’s call him uhm...Mike.

Mike was hungry one day and so decided to rob an old woman he saw coming his way. I didn’t really fully establish Mike was hungry as he was telling this story but hunger is the most sympathetic reason for robbing an old woman like Mike does in this account. I want you to like Mike so bear with me.

Anyway Mike pulls out a knife (like I said –bear with me). The size of the knife doesn’t matter but Mike was already bigger than the woman he was targeting so brigning a knife into this was just plain wrong.

Upon the woman seeing this -quick as a whip (Those are my words for quirky dramatic turn of phrase you understand. Robert thinks a ‘whip’ are the cars he steals) the woman pulls out a bible and grips it firmly! This puts off Mike. He has probably robbed church going people before but faith in God aside…when he puts a knife in their faces…they put their faith in God aside and their money in his palm and so on.

What worries Mike even more is that the old lady doesn’t do anything. She just stands there holding her good book aloft. She’s shaking a little bit about not from fear. She might be praying because he can’t see her face from his height and her bible but that wouldn’t explain the shaking. Mike hasn’t been to any church for a while but he know women don’t shake like this woman was shaking when they pray. I explained to Mike that there actually was some shaking involved at some churches during prayers but that he would have to find know her denomination. Mike never found that out.

Anyway, after a while of this(Mike with knife, old woman with bible) Mike decides he’s tired of waiting and reaches for her handbag –which in all fairness is doing nothing just hanging around her elbow. BOSH! She hits him in the face with the bible. He’s not sure if it’s he’s got a busted eye, nose or lips because he’s unconscious for a minute.

It was his eye and nose but he doesn’t find this out until after he wakes up and the old woman has left. Some school kids (he assumed they were school kids because they were apparently that age. He couldn't remember if it was a school day and if it was the kind of time they should have been in a classroom somewhere)tell him the police have been called so he leaves too.

The moral to the story. There’s a time to use the bible…and there’s a time to use the bible!

Mike has never seen the woman again and Mike’s glad about this. I could have chosen to find a name for this woman with her weaponised holy scriptures but she might be some form of angel sent to teach Mike a lesson and I don’t want to get God angry by naming her Black Betty or something.

The Mintah Blog

This blog is about a subject of great concern to Ghanaian AND indeed Nigerians on the continent and in the diaspora. No, it’s not third world debt

Our movie industry. What is to be done about it?

The acting is poor but the actresses are good looking, the storylines are LUDICROUS but the actresses are good looking. The thing with poor quality African TV is that like ghetto BET and is a chicken and egg situation. What came first?

Did Africans demand insane storylines and 2D characters or have we had jammed down our throats until we ‘liked’ them.

Nollywood and Challeywood movies starring.
I once watched a documentary British actor named Nick Moran who tried to make a movie with subplots.

I’ve seen it with my own eyes. Every movie without an explosive revelation every 7-8 minutes is considered a bad movie.

This is a personal because I plan to revolutionise the West African entertainment industry but I'd like to know who I'm fighting. The customers or the industry organisers?

I'm going to do more but this all I have to say about this now. I need YOUR feedback.

THE first (but not last) East London -West African Comedy Thriller

The ‘What Do You Call It?’ Tour I

Let me take this opportunity to apologise to my followers living outside of London. All 20 million and 6 of you. 20,000,006? Where do I get that number I hear you ask?! Why that’s two diamond albums! For my source see below…Ere –follow this footnote thingy*

To all of you in London that keep asking me what ‘What Do You Call It?’ is about and why I called it ‘What Do You Call It?’ this is your first opportunity to find out.

THE PLAYHOUSE CLUB’S PERFORMANCE PARTY
Wednesday 7 April 2010 @ Gate Bar, Notting Hill Gate, London, W11 3JZ
It starts at 7pm and costs £6 on the door but
www.theplayhouseclub.co.uk http://www.theplayhouseclub.tk/

I’ve only been given 5 minutes here and I'm still deciding on the right brand of explosive/humour chapter to read in that time and to that audience.

I WAS going to post all my appearances on (what in a blatant attempt to ‘let’ the paying masses think I’m actually an R&B hitmaker I’m calling) ‘The ‘What Do You Call It?’ Tour’ here all at once but I’ll do them one at a time I think.

THAT way I force myself to keep followers of my blog interested until my second appearance approaches. Oh alright then: Here’s my second appearances info: CLOSE-UP
Tuesday May 4 2010 @ 8.30pm @ The Old Queen’s Head, Essex Road, London N1
http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=295236947276&ref=ts#!/search/?ref=search&q=VANESSA&init=quick
but that’s all you’ll get from me!

I’m still in the infancy of what Hackdongā will soon become but I’ve already got a lot of shouts from loads of you and I’m grateful.
Russell and Geoffrey Odartei at Ment2Excel http://www.ment2excel.com/ Eddie Danso - http://www.eddiekd.com


*Source: Hackdonga Informations Systems
one in Australia (big up shout out to
Evelyn Oteng Pabi in Canada http://pastexotic.wordpress.com/

Abena Mintah (AKA Ribena girl AKA Valerie)in Nottingham, who I think is mad at me right now but will forgive me when I thank her here AND my in my second book's acknowledgements for single-handedly pioneering my marketing in the wilds of Nottingham!

Jose Torso and the peeps at XSClubbin – A St.LucianBritish company http://xsclubbing.com/blog/?cat=21

Nii in Leeds (http://www.q-nii.co.uk/) Gilean Opuku in Australia http://afroklectic.blogspot.com/2010/02/what-do-you-call-it.html
The rest of the number of my fans is the approximately 20,000,000 population of Ghana because I’m Ghanaian and I’m about to make Ghana very popular when ‘What Do You Call It?’ drops!

Neither Losing or Loosing!

I went to the theatre yesterday and learnt a lot from it. Not from the actual show –you understand. The female characters were all crazy and the male characters contemptible. They were all cold, amoral, weak…and not in the good way. In short I enjoyed the show immensely BUT if I had learned something from it that would make me a very mixed up individual –in need of prayer and therapy…electroshock therapy.

What I learnt from was the production itself. If I’ve got my count right this performance was rescheduled once and relocated three times. I ‘m not going to ask what was behind all the chaos in the build-up all it will take the sheen off what I’m hoping happened. What I was hoping had happened was the powers that be (THEY) felt the subject material was going to be too powerful and revolutionary for US to see. There was some confusion between the Facebook events pages and invites as to whether the play was called ‘Love Is A Losing Game’ or ‘Love Is A Loosing Game’. Either way –you can understand I had to go see THIS show! Eventually after wavering between whether this play would be shown in west, south London they determined on north so with my sister in tow that’s where I headed.

Star of the show was–Vanessa Vanderpuye –this woman is so stunning –she makes you want to re-evaluate your life! (her link this: http://www.starnow.co.uk/vanessavanderpuye it’s sort of a beautiful people’s Facebook.

In one night in Archway, I re-established a few things that are always good to establish and re-establish: 1)Black talent in London is alive, LIVE and very healthy. Did I mention that the other actors supplied plenty of electricity and humour and vibrancy to the whole thing. I was especially able to pay attention to them when Ms.Vanderpuye wasn’t on stage. Yup, they were talented and they mightcould all be going places 2) Black people support each other’s art. 3) We don’t need bouncers everywhere we go. Like I said the mostly packed out audience was mostly a Black crowd and the only security on the night was a shady looking brother in combat trousers and a doo-rag. We’re in 2010. A doo-rag? Really?

My St Lucian connection Jose Torso and his xsclubbin production company (http://www.xsclubbing.com/)are trying to do in the West Indies what Gbontwi Anyetei (that’s me) and his Hackdongā movement is trying to do right here in England then later America. First up is a soap to be followed by a theatre set that will tour England starting and or ending in London. In collaborating with him I’ll have to learn from the talented and young people that put on yesterday’s WICKED performance.

ANYwaaaaay, I’ve decided I need to be going to the plays more. I understand there’s a lot of unsuspecting available Black women there that are impressed with any Black man that is upping his culture and not off shooting police.

The Writing Levels are Going Up!

Last night, I read a chapter from my book ‘What Do You Call It?’ at an event called the ‘African Writer’s Evening’ in Covent Garden, West London. I happen to believe that in ‘What Do You Call It?’ I have written a book that will revolutionise African/Africa Diaspora literature. It’s funny and it features crime but none of it armed robbery/cocaine/civil war related. ‘What Do You Call It?’ is a wildly original book that deserves a reading where the voice of my characters explode with colour and the voice of my narrative oozes with style and humour.

My reading was RUBBISH! The people there argued that I was actually quite good but I know the truth. I didn’t do my book justice kraa.
Now, I probably shouldn’t be telling you this because I will soon be inviting you to events where I'll be reading (starting next month) and I hope to see you London based friends and followers there. I know writers ain't in fashion right now but we're coming back!

Anyway, where was I?...Darzzit! I was rubbish! Seriously, I have to give BIGGG up Author Eddie K Danso (check out his work in progess website: http://www.eddiekd.com/)who makes his entertaining David J type book readings look TOO easy! I have got much to do so that people know what I know they should know. They NEED to buy a copy of ‘What Do You Call It?’ when it comes out and waste no time about it. I make no excuses...actually I do; It was only the second time I have ever read aloud from my book in front of people AND I wasn’t scheduled to read (I caught the host slipping! ( ; ) and I had come there straight from work so I was in work clobber (that’s ‘clothes’ for you Americans and Ghanaian Ghanaians). That’s not to say I wasn’t looking good. I always try to look good but a whistle and flute. That’s rhyming slang for ‘suit’. I haven’t figured out what my writer uniform will be but last night’s...wasn’t it.
Abada and dashikis-ELIMINATED
LRG type US urba*nwear (Talib Kweli style) –MAYBE,
Blazer, funny+style tee, Yessir Arafat scarf, Ghana coloured trainers –PROBABLY

But don’t worry, I'll be practising the whole reading thing at a bunch of small writer events starting 90 minutes after I post this at a writing group called ‘Utter’ in Haringey. The first time I read there which was the very first time I had read anywhere I had tonsillitis and I STILL tied with the eventual winner as the writer the attendees would most like to see read at bigger £10 per head event in King’s Cross...sooo maybe I'm not that bad.

What can I say - The writing levels just went up!

Sorry if got too deep and necessarily introspective on you. I'm thinking there’ll be a few of these as I navigate new phases in this writing journey of mine...but mostly don’t worry-I'll keep supplying you blogs . (http://hackdonga.blogspot.com) with the humour to which you’ve become accustomed.

Apart from that it was hustle as normal -I gave my book/blog flyers to everybody who attended, collected cards and otherwise made the acquaintance of potentially useful peoples. So, it continues!

Oh Nii! The next Gā superstar!

In case you didn’t know there's an internal conflict going on! No -it's not that Black people VS n!ggas blog again! I mean the race is on amongst my Ghanaian tribe to be the first Gā superstar. It has to be said, the Ashantis are and have been leading in this stakes for too long. This Osei Tutu challey gets all kinds of props when he goes abroad that no Gā king equals. The fact that there’s fewer of us is in my opinion is a reason–but not good enough. I believe (and any Ghanaian can correct me here) that the closest we’ve come is Marcel Desailly. World Cup Winner Marcel Desailly you say nodding your head at my decent suggestion. But hold on I hear you say he won the world cup with France! You’d be right! This leaves Tinny (If you don’t know who Tinny is slap yourself once and youtube Cadbury’s Zingola ad…NOW.) and possibly Lethal B whose real surname ‘Ansah’ might qualify him as a Gā but that’s to be confirmed.

The market is wide open so enough with the Masai marathon runners and Yoruba 419ers –The Gā superstar is imminent...“What about you Gbontwi?!” I hear you say now, or are you shouting? Well, look out for books and movies being released near you written by me but a superstar? No. As I’ve written before all I need is a Cedi more than I can spend.
No, the superstar [to be] of whom I speak is none other than Leeds based player who’s rate of hustle may surpass even my own. Let me introduce you to him: ‘Nii’.

Nii-Singer, actor. He can do other things...probably, but it’s the singing and acting that will make him a star and the other things are frankly neither my business or yours. Nii is a Ga name that mean ‘Prince’, ‘King’ or ‘lord’ depending on you ask so you know that. So however you put it Nii is not only a superstar in waiting but established royalty already! I tend to measure a singer’s ability by the amount and calibre of women they attract and the only other king singer I’ve heard of was King David of bible fame and he pulled ALL SORTS of women so we all mustknow what to expect from Nii.

I haven’t met Nii yet but I’ve heard his work and LIKE it. If he’s like me then to hear his work his work is to know the man. As a fellow Prince, King or Lord I’m going to help him film his first music video this Sunday. Look out for me in the video or video outtakes. I’ll be the tall Gā with big eyes, a VIP (very innocuous playa) lanyard and with my arms wrapped around some music video girls. It’s fitting enough on the weekend Ghanaians celebrate the anniversary of the better known kind of revolution –mostly waged in Accra, the city the Gā built!
To check out his music and get bounced around his Facebook and myspace pages check out his website: http://www.q-nii.co.uk/

On top of the singing string to his bow Nii recently landed and filmed a role in a soap opera so Nii just got national exposure. Get involved in the movement. So, again: http://www.q-nii.co.uk/

The 'Hackdongā' Ethic/Ethos/Terms Of Reference/Mission Statement

I was inspired to write one of these after visiting the Afroklectic blog (Check it out- http://afroklectic.blogspot.com/ ) My new friend Gilean Opuku has described what her Afroklectic movement is all about and encouraged me to do the same. Forgive the uncertainty in this particular blog's title. When I figure which of the terms above best fits the words below I’ll delete the others. So the first time instead of breaking it down (Hack don Gā)and telling you what makes up the word let me BREAK IT DOWN and say what the word means. If Hackdongā made limited edition trainers these would be the words on the important looking marketing material that convince you that that you've just bought more than 2 pieces of China sewn leather with fancy paint on it:

Africans and people of African descent have invented a bunch of things. This is normal. There is no need to celebrate the phenomenon as something AMAZING and only only at particular times of the year. Black people were the first people on the planet. That means –the wheel, fire, sex, –we did it first. Hackdongā recognises our legacy of great achievements in HISTORY every day and looks to make even more creations of our own for the FUTURE. A sense of African pride should be a permanent institution inside us. It shouldn’t ebb and swell during Black history months or that good documentary on TV.

I got the idea of the ‘Welcome To the African Quarter’ motif because I like that any given city’s foreign quarter has always been identified with being different from the rest in new and different ways. The French quarter in New Orleans and the Latin Quarter in Bacardi adverts are synonymous with culture and fun. The foreign quarter in old spy books all carry a vague danger to strangers and enemies. I like that too. This reminds me of the position of the African diaspora all across the west Europe, America...Australia. (Even in some areas of Mother Africa itself e.g. North and South Africa and Botswana and until recently Zimbabwe the indigenous Black African is the second class citizen). We might account for a quarter of the population if that, or there’s more of us but we have a quarter of your money –that’s OK, our continent will be back and we STILL look good!

Was Ghana Independence graft or grift?

I had my graphics people make this image up in the style of 'Ocean's 12' poster.
Nkrumah and them heisted freedom from the British after Hitler had hooked up the mother of all diversions back in Europe. Serious question: If Britain weren't weakened by World War 2 would Ghana have got our independence in 1957?

'The Near Mrs Prank' - Tell the girlfriend "I’m going to leave you soon"...say you’re joking and prove it.

The Valentine's Day Blog from The Hackdongā Blog.

It's early February. Men without women breathe easy. Men with women look nervously at their ATM balances and kept at home cash. Valentine's Day is coming! I understand that Valentine's Day is getting as big in Ghana as it is Europe and America so it must be faced. I also heard a it's-so-insane-it-must-be-true statistic that 80% of the money spent for this day is by men! When I addressed this injustice wit women they assured me that this was to re-dress the other 364 days of the year when it's only women in charge of the lovey-doveying. I conceded.

So, ever the pragmatist I decided that Yes, Hallmark, smaller card companies and florists are the only real winners but February 14 still serves as a good opportunity to curry favour, get sins forgiven and maybe even get some better than average sex. The big day itself is not until next week but here at Hackdongā I like to help keep my patrons ahead of the game.

"All is fair in love and war. This means love and war are equal institutions in the eye of nature's law. i.e. Love is war and war is love."_Gbontwi Anyetei

So let us talk military strategy!
The four-pronged attack:

1.The best form of Offense is Defense!
This day can be as much about what you don’t do for your woman as what other men say they would have done if she was their girl. Keep on the lookout for these men in her life as they try to catch you slipping e.g.
-Her ex(es), particularly the baby-father variety
-Her platonic male friends
-Her strange female friend
-Distant male cousins
-Rappers in the VIP section of the club you couldn’t or wouldn’t get passes for
-The cab driver who takes her home from the restaurant you didn’t book a table at
-The bartenders at the bar you keep her waiting at
-Her pastor who will probably be driving a bigger car than you or flying a bigger private plane than you into church on the same Sunday, February 14th(If you’re a Seventh Day Adventist or Black Jew, Saturday is of course the day for church business. Sunday may already be too late).

2. The Pre-Emptive Strike

Your woman WILL try and trip you up. Don't let her.
If you’re in a new relationship and she tells you she doesn’t care about Valentine’s Day...treat her.
If she tells you she really doesn’t care about Valentine’s Day...treat her.
If she tells you she really, really doesn’t care about Valentine’s Day...treat her.
If she tells you she really, really, really doesn’t care about Valentine’s Day...treat her.#
#If she actually says ‘really’ three times then she MAY actually NOT care about Valentine’s Day but worse case scenario you’ll be branded gullible and a slave to a western ways and you'll be justly rewarded anyway.

3. Catch No Release
During this season feel free to keep an eye on your exes, baby-mothers, platonic female friends you’re looking for an upgrade with. Better still, keep an eye on their neglectful boyfriends and husbands. There’s nothing like catching another brother slipping and punishing him.

4. Survive. Evade. Resist. Escape.

Or in other words: ignore AND/OR claim to forget all customs that February 14th comes with. This is the ideal fallback tactic for those with no money, no creativity or no wish to be in a relationship.

Name your target after the arrow has landed

'Name your target after the arrow has landed'. I found this proverb two to three years ago and it became one of my top.5 favourite proverbs
5. When a crazy person steals your clothes as you bathe you don't give chase.
4. When the lion is asleep the monkey thinks he is king
3. The Lion doesn't turn around around when the dog barks
2. When the snake is in the house, one need not discuss the matter at length
1. Name your target after the arrow has landed

Here's another saying from my boy, hiplifer Tinny: 'Just because our hair's picky doesn't mean we need combs'. Tinny spits alot of proverbs in his rhymes but I'm not sure if that quote is one, but I like it anyway.

But I digress. Back to the headliner: 'Name your target after the arrow has landed'. This is not the typical wise head on shoulder type proverb. That's why I like it. I can’t recall where I found this proverb. Trying to google it right now it didn’t come up which was interesting but not unexpected.

On first look to name your target after the arrow has landed can suggest aimlessness. I however choose to interpret one of a few ways. Debating the saying 'Name your target after the arrow has landed.'

> Flexibility. Identify a set of targets –(if you’re hungry as in the traditional sense a herd of deer or whatever ) and aim towards them all and be satisfied with the one you hit. This could apply to one of many goals OR one goal to be achieved by one of many means. Whichever one of those targets i HIT is fine with me and the salient point is the arrow has left my grasp. it's in the air and shall thus come down and hit one of them. this is inevitable

> Leadership/Initiative. Note that the proverb is "Name" your target after the arrow has landed. That means you mightcould know it but just ddt "call it" (as they say in Snooker Pool). You hit the target you meant to hit maybe not telling everybody what you were going for in advance. But once “the arrow has landed” you can “name” your target and/or reasons at that point.

> Sheer Style. Have no clue and you aim your arrow hit whatever you hit –be it a tree or some prey and play it off like that was your intention.

These are the types of the proverbs you'll see on my statuses, blogs and in forthcoming books. They will be the funny clever/unusual proverbs that mightcould mean something different to every reader.

10 Reasons why Columbo should have been Black

1. Nobody ever respects him as a figure of authority at first.

2. He’s obviously discriminated against. In over twenty years of working with a 100% success rate he was never promoted beyond Lieutenant.

3.Always late. Columbo only ever turns up 15, 20, 25 minutes into his own show. Late to his own party. Only a brotha.

4.Doesn’t harass his own. He’s an L.A cop but we never as much as see an inner-city Black youth. In fact he only ever takes down the rich and/or famous and /or powerful White people we know get away with that sh*t in real life.

5. Over-cool. We never see him handcuff anyone, pat anyone down, engage in a high speed chase or shoot someone or even shoot at someone.

6. He is cross-eyed but nobody ever asks him how good a lawman he could be with this condition. Interesting enough, in addition everybody he meets seems to know which of his eyes in the working one, thus avoiding that perennial awkwardness we all face over this difficult issue.

7. Keeps it gangsta. ‘Colombo’ is the family name of one of the famous five New York mafia families along with Gambino, Lucchese, Bonanno and Profaci.

8. Style. He never goes all poilceman with bad words and unseemly interrogations. The guilty person knows they're guilty and Columbo know’s they're guilty. Columbo knows he’ll get them in the end so why get all aggressive like other better dressed yet more tense TV cops? Colombo prefers to let them introduce them to their expensive friends, give him expensive cigars to smoke, expensive food to eat in the meantime...until such time ny the end when it would be rude for him not to arrest them.

9. His dress sense is considered shabby by society at large. (This also disqualifies him for the same reasons since this grimey look is not for fashion reasons. Plus, no man could go twenty years without changing his mac. Mac? Mack? Get it?...Just laugh now and figure it out later.)

10. The smart wife. She can’t OR won’t iron his clothes...OR she’s so canny she keeps it so that Colombo won’t stray during any of his ‘investigations’ by keeping him looking like a hobo.

While I'm at it...Ten Quick Reasons why Dr.Richard Kimble (AKA The Fugitive) should have been Black:
1) He was successful and thus married to a white woman
2) He was falsely accused of murdering the white woman
3) He was framed (see 2)
4) He was harassed over the a crime he didn’t commit.
5) He was pursued over the a crime he didn’t commit.
6) He was arrested over the a crime he didn’t commit.
7) He was received a life-sentence over the a crime he didn’t commit.
8) He escaped to freedom.
9) He was pursued AGAIN over the same crime he didn’t commit.
10) ...Wait? You really need a tenth?!

Will Black people ever be on time?

WILL we ever be on time?

YES –by Gbontwi Anyetei
But of course! Anything white people can do Black people can do better! Black People's Time, Coloured People's Time, G.M.T (Ghana Maybe Time)African Time...These are myths! Conspiracies even! Maybe. Some Black people already ARE on time, right? I’ve seen it. So have you, right?
In fact, it is because somebody arrived on time that you can tell that the people coming in just now are late. INDEED it is because that they know others will be on time and envy them that many latecomers are so. They hope people will watch them and ask enviously "OH…I wish my clocks were broken so". "I wish our car was limited to the slow cruising speed that delivered you here hours after my sadly efficient car got me here with plenty of parking spaces to choose from".

NO –by Gbontwi Anyetei
I think not. The timely individuals my learned friend above talks of are just that. Individuals! Might makes right and the might of the latecomers shall always be mightier! Without them ‘the party’ really can’t get started properly. It is because of the OTHER late people that those who might have been on time will ensure they're also late TOO! It is the latecomers that the early ones keep looking to the door for. The women won’t settle for invitations from those on time because there might be better choices coming along especially if those men are late because they’re making money. Vice versaly, the men won’t settle for the on-time women because the women still on their way might be late because their bums are bigger and they have experienced problems with transportation as a result.

I was born in Africa (West Africa where the BLACK-Black people are and not in the North where the confused Africans are) in 1982 to Black parents and surrounded by Black people. Four years later I moved to Hackney, East London. More Black people. None of the people I know in life are ever on time for everything. My grandmother is late for everything except church, my father will be late for everything except serious business opportunities, and my mum is just late for everything.

All my friends are interesting or cool and fun to be around. None of my friends are ever on time. All the people I have met in life that are regularly on time…haven’t been Black. Neither are they interesting, cool or fun to be around. So is that what it is? Does being interesting, cool and fun to be around mean you literally cannot be on time?! I think it might.

The English (When I say English I mean one of the countries white people from) are an on time. While they controlled most of Africa, Africans took on most of their habits and customs: Christianity, monogamy, depression. Even now, hospitality, tribes, loyalty are not what they were in Africa or amongst the diaspora. But ‘lateness’ remains with us! It is the last bastion of Africanness.

So, we're late. We can't change it even if we wanted to -which we don't. Many a comedian would be without material if Black people started arriving to things on time. This blog you're reading wouldn't exist if Black people arrived to things on time.
Let us then embrace it. When Ancient Rome realised they couldn't beat Christianity they embraced it. They took it over and made it theirs and almost completely unrecognisable from what Jesus left behind. Let us do the same. Let us be late in new and fascninating and suprising ways! We can have reasons that are as inventive as they are unreasonable or we can offer no excuse! To even apologise for being late would be to suggest you ever intended to be on time. To apologise would be an insult to the intelligence of the receiver. To offer an 'explanation' would be a waste of a perfectly good lie you can use for something else later (Get it? 'Later?').
I was once kept waiting by a date who apologised for being 3 1/2 hours late. I pointed out she was only 2 1/2 hours late. (A daylight saving time snaffu). She was actually dissapointed with herself. This is the kind of dedication to the cause I exhort all others to. Let us be SO unpredictable in how late we will be that it would take a book-long mathematical equation to equate our time of arrival. Just like that, every so often we'll accidentally get to business meetings (that we weren't expected to until the next day) not all as late as all that. At that point we can split the monies between us and leave before the white people arrive!

The sun shines differently in Africa so the clocks to which we move will always be out of sync!

Should we make 'Urban' the new 'N' word?

The case for and against ‘urban’
A lot gets made of whether White people should get to say the N word. I say we hold off on that debate until we sort out this ‘urban’ word because for some intents and purposes urban could become the new ‘N’ word. Some of you won’t know what I’m talking about. Particularly if you’re a architecture, town planning student the wood urban won’t mean at all what I’m about to talk about. Madonna makes a music video wearing a kimono and waving chopsticks around it’s Chinese themed. It’s fair enough. Justin Timberlake sings R&B, dances like MJ and wears his hair in corn-rows. He’s ‘urban’. I hadn’t noticed this urban phenomenon until The New Nation newspaper (may it in rest in peace) started censoring the word. Like this: ‘urb*n’.

Let me get something real clear real quick. I use the word for urban. Sorry everybody. AND I use it without the asterisk. Oh yes, and I say 'grime' when I’m talking about Kano, Wiley and them. Grime music comes from streets beset by urban decay and poverty induced situations. Some say it should be called Black music because that’s what it is. BUT, black music is also:

Jazz, acid Jazz, Blues, Soul, neo-Soul, Funk, Funky House, Bossa Nova, Samba, Hip-Hop, Rock&Roll, Barbershop, Bluegrass, Cajun, Zydeco, Country (yeah I said it!), Disco, garage, jungle, Doo Wop, Gospel, Reggae, Rocksteady, bebop, Latin, Ska, R&B, Swing, Nobody accapellas like we either. Even punk, heavy metal, and most good Pop.

So if the media was to use the word Black music –there’d be all kinds of confusion all over the map. You get me? Urban (or urb*n) makes sense because they can't call grime, rap or funky house Black music because ALLLLLL music is Black. Okey, not ALL. The Swedish have yodelling. That’s all them I believe.

So when I say urban I mean the music young Blacks are making right now that is p!ssing society off and that White boys will start making in a couple of years. So if YOU reader are media and you’re using the word the same way then you and I get no problem. But if you are part of THEY saying urban because they're afraid to say Black or African in case they (the same same they as earlier I this sentence) mess around and let Black people feel good about ourselves...THAT I don't like!

That’s all I’ve got to say about that. These blogs won’t always be long. What do you want? I’m not getting paid for this. If you wanted me to kill some more of your time why not youtube some of those music types above. You might find something you like better than the likes Lil’Wayne, Soulja Boy or whoever blows next out of ‘I’m a Big X Factor, Get Me Out of Here!’

“I love Black People but I HATE Nigg*rs…the Nigg*rs have GOT TO GO!”

Is Chris Rock a prophet? Like…an actual sent from God prophet. Now, wait a minute! I say “prophet” you’re thinking of the kind who predict the future. NO no no no no. I’m talking about the other kind. Throughout the bible and maybe the Koran (I’ve been meaning to start reading the Koran but the only time I get to read is on public transport...and being a 6’3 Black man-I have enough problems.) are prophets whose job it was to interpret explain to people the meaning of what was going on around them. Example: An Israelite (That’s ‘Israelite’ not ‘Israeli’- different thing entirely) loses his son in death to a war they should be winning and his harvest don’t come out right. He just thinks he’s having a bad year. No, the prophet would tell him –'Our king is f#cking up so God is coming'. Or words to that effect, in Hebrew.

The only comedian that compares to Chris Rock's potency is Richard Pryor and Richard Pryor was comedianing when the Black revolution was lurching through it’s life span until the FBI finally put it to sword. In the 70s it really was all about the White ‘man’ and how he was limiting our options at every turn. Now, no enemy can turn fast enough and we are often our own worst enemy. Chris Rock has routines like ‘Black People Versus Nigg*rs’ and ‘The only thing I hate more than racism is Black people that are surprised at the racism’, Chris Rock is telling us it’s time to stop making excuses. There is nothing stopping us from doing what needs done to get where we want to be. We need to get knowledge and try to succeed not because racism is dead (Far from it see –Nick Griffin) but because at this stage, we can only be stopped if we let the detractors stop us.

Chris Rock said that while Black people accuse the media of being depicted negatively, it’s not a newsreader Chris Rock is looking for when he’s at ATM at night. Now, Black people have access to knowledge and information on our history like we haven’t had since Islam first destabilized the old great empires of Northern Africa. Yes, the mainstream culture may remain bling, cars and hoes but a library or independent music outlet near you can help.

So we return to the question that forms basis of our discourse. Is Chris Rock a prophet? Alright, he probably isn’t (if you thought so, you should seek Jesus) but he’s serving a similar purpose AND making us laugh so I thank God for him.

'Bigger and Blacker', 'Bring The Pain', 'Never Scared' and 'Kill The Messenger' are available at an online or a pirate streetlevel retailer near you.
'Richard Pryor –Live & Smokin’', 'Live in Concert', 'Live on The Sunset Strip' are available online and HMVs and the like.

25 Things You Don't Need to Know About the Writer

1. I love Hackney, East London. Seriously. Love the place. I know this wouldn’t be the case if I wasn’t raised there, but I was –so I do. When I'm tired of Hackney I'll be tired of the West
2. I love Ghana. Even more than Hackney. Make no mistake, everybody’s trying to hustle you, there are very few pavements, some tell me I don’t belong there because I was raised abroad (see number#1) but I still love it. If God insists that I die, then it should be there I'd want to go.
3. I have an unhealthy love of Star Trek-The Next Generation (the one with the bald White captain) and Star Trek-DS9 (the one with the bald Black captain). I'm definitely not a nerd but have seen every episode way more than once.
4. I think Jack Nicholson is the coolest white man that’s ever lived.
5. I don’t particularly want to be a millionaire. I just need a Pound more than I can spend. A Cedi more than I can spend would be even better.
6. I sometimes think I might actually be crazy. And when that’s not worrying me, I like it.
7. I have a few aliases that I use in various situations e.g. Anthony Vassa. I won’t name them all, for obvious reasons –not all of them legal but I haven’t used Anthony Vassa for a few years so I can release that.
8. I hate any movie with too many references to the supernatural i.e. Horror movies and Nollywood village withcraft ones. Maybe I'm scared of ghosts. Maybe I don’t wanna let Satan and his crews into my circumstances.
9. I like driving in London. If it wasn’t for petrol prices and lack of parking, I’d do a lot more of it. Nipping in and zipping out and dashing around un-American narrow roadways. I feel like prey and the police and London transport bus lane cameras are the predators.
10. I don’t like driving in Accra. The drivers are crazy and the pedestrians are crazier. They jay-stroll not jay-walk. At night, the roads are not lit but the road users are! (If you’re not American –you might not get that last sentence). everybody’s got nowhere to go but need to get there NOW!
11. I think America is over-rated.
12. I'm a 6’3 Black man but don’t this doesn’t stop old white ladies telling me their life stories. I don’t know if this means I have an honest face or if that’s what gets them mugged(not by me).
13. Most 1990s+ R&B bores me and/or gets on my nerves.
14. My favourite superhero is the ‘Incredible Hulk’
15. I like being a fan of something niche and it only annoys me a little when others jump on de bandwagon e.g.50Cent (pre ‘In Da Club’) The Wire (circa 2002-2007) The Sopranos (for the first season). I try not to be one of those annoying “I liked that before it was popular” people but sometimes I do. Apologies.
16. I love reading about ’Medieval African History’. If anyone who has my no# get’s a question on that whilst on ‘Who Wants To Be A millionaire’ I'm the friend they should phone.
17. I have severe difficulty saying ‘no’ to beautiful Black women. This is good and bad because I'll invariably be married to one soon and my problem could lead to talk of being whipped and a lack of a prenuptial agreement. I know beauty is only skin deep but I can say no to ugly women. And I do so. Alot.
18. I generally assume I'm de best dressed man within a 3 square mile radius.
19. I LOVE Black people but I hate nigg*rs.
20. I often wonder about the people that took the name ‘Jehovah’ out of the bible and what other editing they did while they were at it.
21. I believe Jews are the funniest people after Black people. Big up Larry David, Jerry Seinfeld, The Marx Brothers, Jackie Mason, Mel Brooks, and that dude that play Ari Gold in 'Entourage'!
22. I have a big memory for quotations of popular figures in contemporary Black culture and history. I quote rappers and comedians like Frasier Crane quotes philosophers and historians.
23. I don’t snitch. Crime is not a life pursuit I’ve pursued but I understand that for some, it’s the most apposite means of making money they can find. I could make a list of crimes I condone, understand, hate, detest but uhm…that’s the stuff of future blogs I s’pose. Suffice it to say if you’re the kind of criminal I grew up alongside in my relatively trouble free East London life: If the police come asking me about you…I won’t know which way you went.
24. I don’t suffer fools. I understand it’s the fashion to pretend you get on with everybody and make nice –Los Angeles style, but I can’t do it. If you do and/or say something REALLY painfully, inexcusably ignorant and stupid around me – I won’t like you. You might not know it but you might notice I won’t be around when you’re around. Ever.
25. I’m a writer. Just in case you didn’t know. I don’t know who my target audience is. I do know that I’m Black, my characters are mostly Black so it follows that my readers will mostly be Black. From about age 10 I loved writing projects at school but didn’t realise it’s something I’d want to do with my life until about age 23.

The thing about Light skinned women

I’m putting my hands up to it. It’s official: light skinned women are officially in fashion. For some years I’ve denied it. “Yes most music video girls are kind of Spanishey coloured, straight-haired, blue eyed (but with undeniably African lips and hips) but we’ve still got Naomi Campbell!”. I’m not sure when it started. Somewhere after Blaxploitation movies and Grace Jones and Whitney Houston came the massive airbrushing. I’m just blogging, not politicking. All I know is women talk about this, ALOT. Furthermore of all the things they debate this is always the most interesting. What I do know is I am as big a fan of Serena Williams as I am of Jade Johnson. I’d cut myself in two for Kelly Rowland and Alicia Keys. Gabrielle Union versus Meagan Good? Stop it! By a highly scientific and empirical method (not really) I’ve identified the three most quoted reasons for this and discuss them below. Then I offered a fourth and my personal favourite reason. Since this fourth is my thinking and therefore one you haven’t heard before feel free to skip the first 3 if you have somewhere to be.

Possible Reason number 1: The Slavery thing
The light skinned as we call them were first produced as the daughters of Slave masters, in America and the West Indies and the children on colonial overlords in Africa. These mixed race offspring as a rule had an easier life than the fully Black counterparts. Sometimes, their father/owner got them a near standard education. Even if they didn’t they certainly weren’t assigned the worse jobs. This meant that for a slave or colonially indentured servant to get married to a son/daughter of a White man…they would be only easy street! So is that the thing with light-skinned women. A cultural throwback to when a mixed race woman was a status symbol and meant access to a better way of life than a Black man or woman?

Possible Reason number 2: It’s The Media!
The mass media (read Rupert Murdoch and other shady White men) are elevating light-skinned mostly White women over Black-Black women in an attempt to make those of us without the blessing of Caucasian genes in our pool feel inferior. But can this be working? White people also want Black people to be on time, stop complaining and stop playing our music loud and we don’t listen to them! Why should we be listening to them on this?! The ‘mass media versus us’ is the stuff that makes up the content of underground docu DVDs sold by men with dreadlocks and knowing looks at your local market. White owned BET, MTV etc shove an ever fading Beyoncé in our faces at every opportunity. Beyoncé has a successful career, a billionaire husband. “It’s because she’s light skinned –that’s WHY!” Is that how it’s supposed to work? Then misguided women aspire to be like Beyoncé in ways that go beyond the healthy appreciation of her music and her amazing backside. The not so misguided women then follow suite after the first lot have created a fashion. This in turn contributes to:

Possible Reason number 3: Self loathing.
Black people see only the negatives in our respective communities (in the Americas, Europe and Africa) and see what order exists in well developed white communities and …cue skin bleaching, weaves. If you bleach your skin are you actually secretly aspiring to be want to be White? Let me know.

We do have the same right to neuroses as everybody else. I know dark chocolate coloured, Kenyan Black, Alek Wek coloured black women. Fine too! They can’t trip over without a dozen mans jumping to the ground first to break their fall. God is an artist and a democrat. He has created the buff and the butters, the fit and the fu-ugly in all colours and shades. I find skin bleaching isn't a dark–skinned problem. It's an ugly one. I've not known a dark-skinned woman -beautiful in the first place to go for that. It’s unhealthy and it never looks right. Women with lighter skin than they should have, veins all over the place, face ‘yellow’ but knuckles as black as tar!

When all is said and done skin bleaching is just the Black woman's plastic surgery. I’m shallow. I like big things on women. Most sisters come with the fuller lips, hips and tits as standard that white women go under the knife for so they’ve found their own ‘problem’. Without a handy insecurity to focus on, a whole group of women might actually have to be happy with how they look. This of course can never happen. Women have to have something to hate about themselves and it’s not always men’s fault.

Possible Reason number 4: Light skinned women are our blondes!
Try not to lose me as I get scientific on you. Not for long though. I was reading about blondes somewhere. It might have been from wikipedia so don’t quote me or hold me to this. Mr Sociologist had an interesting reason why Blondes are so popular in the English speaking West. (This is about White blonde women, not Lil’Kim and them hood girls you know. They’re popular for a different reason.) Blonde women are native to Sweden and Finland and other colder than London places. When the Swedish started coming over to Britain in the middle ages they were calling themselves Vikings and kicking arse so it was a while before blonde women were readily available to the populace that would fill the British Isles and later America and Australia. Blonde women were considered exotic and must have accessories for the man about Londinium town. A thousand years later blondes are still the in thing…And sometimes more fun and less intelligent. I don’t know about all that –that’s debate for the White people to have.

My point is light skinned women didn’t readily exist 500 years ago. I like to think that light-skinned women are the new girls in town so they might be the in-thing for another minute on history’s clock.