How not to rob an old woman

I want to tell you a story. It's a story based/derived/stolen from what happened to a guy I met at the barbershop last week. This story has all the makings of an urban legend but I actually met the guy this happened to. First of all it’s important you don’t judge me because I just MET the guy -he’s not a friend and even if he was a friend…you still shouldn’t judge. It says so in the bible and there's a very important bible element to this story.

Anyway so here it goes. In interests of security and privacy let’s call this guy ‘Marlon’ –no hang on Marlon's his real name-let’s call him uhm...Mike.

Mike was hungry one day and so decided to rob an old woman he saw coming his way. I didn’t really fully establish Mike was hungry as he was telling this story but hunger is the most sympathetic reason for robbing an old woman like Mike does in this account. I want you to like Mike so bear with me.

Anyway Mike pulls out a knife (like I said –bear with me). The size of the knife doesn’t matter but Mike was already bigger than the woman he was targeting so brigning a knife into this was just plain wrong.

Upon the woman seeing this -quick as a whip (Those are my words for quirky dramatic turn of phrase you understand. Robert thinks a ‘whip’ are the cars he steals) the woman pulls out a bible and grips it firmly! This puts off Mike. He has probably robbed church going people before but faith in God aside…when he puts a knife in their faces…they put their faith in God aside and their money in his palm and so on.

What worries Mike even more is that the old lady doesn’t do anything. She just stands there holding her good book aloft. She’s shaking a little bit about not from fear. She might be praying because he can’t see her face from his height and her bible but that wouldn’t explain the shaking. Mike hasn’t been to any church for a while but he know women don’t shake like this woman was shaking when they pray. I explained to Mike that there actually was some shaking involved at some churches during prayers but that he would have to find know her denomination. Mike never found that out.

Anyway, after a while of this(Mike with knife, old woman with bible) Mike decides he’s tired of waiting and reaches for her handbag –which in all fairness is doing nothing just hanging around her elbow. BOSH! She hits him in the face with the bible. He’s not sure if it’s he’s got a busted eye, nose or lips because he’s unconscious for a minute.

It was his eye and nose but he doesn’t find this out until after he wakes up and the old woman has left. Some school kids (he assumed they were school kids because they were apparently that age. He couldn't remember if it was a school day and if it was the kind of time they should have been in a classroom somewhere)tell him the police have been called so he leaves too.

The moral to the story. There’s a time to use the bible…and there’s a time to use the bible!

Mike has never seen the woman again and Mike’s glad about this. I could have chosen to find a name for this woman with her weaponised holy scriptures but she might be some form of angel sent to teach Mike a lesson and I don’t want to get God angry by naming her Black Betty or something.