The Valentine's Day Blog from The Hackdongā Blog.
It's early February. Men without women breathe easy. Men with women look nervously at their ATM balances and kept at home cash. Valentine's Day is coming! I understand that Valentine's Day is getting as big in Ghana as it is Europe and America so it must be faced. I also heard a it's-so-insane-it-must-be-true statistic that 80% of the money spent for this day is by men! When I addressed this injustice wit women they assured me that this was to re-dress the other 364 days of the year when it's only women in charge of the lovey-doveying. I conceded.
So, ever the pragmatist I decided that Yes, Hallmark, smaller card companies and florists are the only real winners but February 14 still serves as a good opportunity to curry favour, get sins forgiven and maybe even get some better than average sex. The big day itself is not until next week but here at Hackdongā I like to help keep my patrons ahead of the game.
"All is fair in love and war. This means love and war are equal institutions in the eye of nature's law. i.e. Love is war and war is love."_Gbontwi Anyetei
So let us talk military strategy!
The four-pronged attack:
1.The best form of Offense is Defense!This day can be as much about what you don’t do for your woman as what other men say they would have done if she was
their girl. Keep on the lookout for these men in her life as they try to catch you slipping e.g.
-Her ex(es), particularly the baby-father variety
-Her platonic male friends
-Her strange female friend
-Distant male cousins
-Rappers in the VIP section of the club you couldn’t or wouldn’t get passes for
-The cab driver who takes her home from the restaurant you didn’t book a table at
-The bartenders at the bar you keep her waiting at
-Her pastor who will probably be driving a bigger car than you or flying a bigger private plane than you into church on the same Sunday, February 14th(If you’re a Seventh Day Adventist or Black Jew, Saturday is of course the day for church business. Sunday may already be too late).
2. The Pre-Emptive Strike
Your woman WILL try and trip you up. Don't let her.
If you’re in a new relationship and she tells you she doesn’t care about Valentine’s Day...treat her.
If she tells you she really doesn’t care about Valentine’s Day...treat her.
If she tells you she really, really doesn’t care about Valentine’s Day...treat her.
If she tells you she really, really, really doesn’t care about Valentine’s Day...treat her.#
#If she actually says ‘really’ three times then she MAY actually NOT care about Valentine’s Day but worse case scenario you’ll be branded gullible and a slave to a western ways and you'll be justly rewarded anyway.
3. Catch No Release
During this season feel free to keep an eye on your exes, baby-mothers, platonic female friends you’re looking for an upgrade with. Better still, keep an eye on their neglectful boyfriends and husbands. There’s nothing like catching another brother slipping and punishing him.
4. Survive. Evade. Resist. Escape.
Or in other words: ignore AND/OR claim to forget all customs that February 14th comes with. This is the ideal fallback tactic for those with no money, no creativity or no wish to be in a relationship.
