USA VS USA (United States of Africa) AKA 'soccer' is all fair and good but leave the football to Ghana

-It's Ghana again! Bill Clinton did you see that?! BillyC -did u see that?! Ghana beat USA in FOOTBALL (not soccer)! I believoour! Americans!? Neil Armstrong! Robert DeNiro! Al Pacino! apple pie! Black Michael Jackson! White Michael Jackson! Jerry Seinfeld! Ronald Reagan! George(s) Bush! Dick Cheney! Michael Moore! Steven Spielberg! The woman with the breasts from Baywatch, the casts of Sunset Beach, Dynasty and Dallas! Your boys took one hell of a beating last night! A hell of a beating!

Oh Nii! The next Gā superstar!

In case you didn’t know there's an internal conflict going on! No -it's not that Black people VS n!ggas blog again! I mean the race is on amongst my Ghanaian tribe to be the first Gā superstar. It has to be said, the Ashantis are and have been leading in this stakes for too long. This Osei Tutu challey gets all kinds of props when he goes abroad that no Gā king equals. The fact that there’s fewer of us is in my opinion is a reason–but not good enough. I believe (and any Ghanaian can correct me here) that the closest we’ve come is Marcel Desailly. World Cup Winner Marcel Desailly you say nodding your head at my decent suggestion. But hold on I hear you say he won the world cup with France! You’d be right! This leaves Tinny (If you don’t know who Tinny is slap yourself once and youtube Cadbury’s Zingola ad…NOW.) and possibly Lethal B whose real surname ‘Ansah’ might qualify him as a Gā but that’s to be confirmed.

The market is wide open so enough with the Masai marathon runners and Yoruba 419ers –The Gā superstar is imminent...“What about you Gbontwi?!” I hear you say now, or are you shouting? Well, look out for books and movies being released near you written by me but a superstar? No. As I’ve written before all I need is a Cedi more than I can spend.
No, the superstar [to be] of whom I speak is none other than Leeds based player who’s rate of hustle may surpass even my own. Let me introduce you to him: ‘Nii’.

Nii-Singer, actor. He can do other things...probably, but it’s the singing and acting that will make him a star and the other things are frankly neither my business or yours. Nii is a Ga name that mean ‘Prince’, ‘King’ or ‘lord’ depending on you ask so you know that. So however you put it Nii is not only a superstar in waiting but established royalty already! I tend to measure a singer’s ability by the amount and calibre of women they attract and the only other king singer I’ve heard of was King David of bible fame and he pulled ALL SORTS of women so we all mustknow what to expect from Nii.

I haven’t met Nii yet but I’ve heard his work and LIKE it. If he’s like me then to hear his work his work is to know the man. As a fellow Prince, King or Lord I’m going to help him film his first music video this Sunday. Look out for me in the video or video outtakes. I’ll be the tall Gā with big eyes, a VIP (very innocuous playa) lanyard and with my arms wrapped around some music video girls. It’s fitting enough on the weekend Ghanaians celebrate the anniversary of the better known kind of revolution –mostly waged in Accra, the city the Gā built!
To check out his music and get bounced around his Facebook and myspace pages check out his website: http://www.q-nii.co.uk/

On top of the singing string to his bow Nii recently landed and filmed a role in a soap opera so Nii just got national exposure. Get involved in the movement. So, again: http://www.q-nii.co.uk/

Will Black people ever be on time?

WILL we ever be on time?

YES –by Gbontwi Anyetei
But of course! Anything white people can do Black people can do better! Black People's Time, Coloured People's Time, G.M.T (Ghana Maybe Time)African Time...These are myths! Conspiracies even! Maybe. Some Black people already ARE on time, right? I’ve seen it. So have you, right?
In fact, it is because somebody arrived on time that you can tell that the people coming in just now are late. INDEED it is because that they know others will be on time and envy them that many latecomers are so. They hope people will watch them and ask enviously "OH…I wish my clocks were broken so". "I wish our car was limited to the slow cruising speed that delivered you here hours after my sadly efficient car got me here with plenty of parking spaces to choose from".

NO –by Gbontwi Anyetei
I think not. The timely individuals my learned friend above talks of are just that. Individuals! Might makes right and the might of the latecomers shall always be mightier! Without them ‘the party’ really can’t get started properly. It is because of the OTHER late people that those who might have been on time will ensure they're also late TOO! It is the latecomers that the early ones keep looking to the door for. The women won’t settle for invitations from those on time because there might be better choices coming along especially if those men are late because they’re making money. Vice versaly, the men won’t settle for the on-time women because the women still on their way might be late because their bums are bigger and they have experienced problems with transportation as a result.

I was born in Africa (West Africa where the BLACK-Black people are and not in the North where the confused Africans are) in 1982 to Black parents and surrounded by Black people. Four years later I moved to Hackney, East London. More Black people. None of the people I know in life are ever on time for everything. My grandmother is late for everything except church, my father will be late for everything except serious business opportunities, and my mum is just late for everything.

All my friends are interesting or cool and fun to be around. None of my friends are ever on time. All the people I have met in life that are regularly on time…haven’t been Black. Neither are they interesting, cool or fun to be around. So is that what it is? Does being interesting, cool and fun to be around mean you literally cannot be on time?! I think it might.

The English (When I say English I mean one of the countries white people from) are an on time. While they controlled most of Africa, Africans took on most of their habits and customs: Christianity, monogamy, depression. Even now, hospitality, tribes, loyalty are not what they were in Africa or amongst the diaspora. But ‘lateness’ remains with us! It is the last bastion of Africanness.

So, we're late. We can't change it even if we wanted to -which we don't. Many a comedian would be without material if Black people started arriving to things on time. This blog you're reading wouldn't exist if Black people arrived to things on time.
Let us then embrace it. When Ancient Rome realised they couldn't beat Christianity they embraced it. They took it over and made it theirs and almost completely unrecognisable from what Jesus left behind. Let us do the same. Let us be late in new and fascninating and suprising ways! We can have reasons that are as inventive as they are unreasonable or we can offer no excuse! To even apologise for being late would be to suggest you ever intended to be on time. To apologise would be an insult to the intelligence of the receiver. To offer an 'explanation' would be a waste of a perfectly good lie you can use for something else later (Get it? 'Later?').
I was once kept waiting by a date who apologised for being 3 1/2 hours late. I pointed out she was only 2 1/2 hours late. (A daylight saving time snaffu). She was actually dissapointed with herself. This is the kind of dedication to the cause I exhort all others to. Let us be SO unpredictable in how late we will be that it would take a book-long mathematical equation to equate our time of arrival. Just like that, every so often we'll accidentally get to business meetings (that we weren't expected to until the next day) not all as late as all that. At that point we can split the monies between us and leave before the white people arrive!

The sun shines differently in Africa so the clocks to which we move will always be out of sync!

25 Things You Don't Need to Know About the Writer

1. I love Hackney, East London. Seriously. Love the place. I know this wouldn’t be the case if I wasn’t raised there, but I was –so I do. When I'm tired of Hackney I'll be tired of the West
2. I love Ghana. Even more than Hackney. Make no mistake, everybody’s trying to hustle you, there are very few pavements, some tell me I don’t belong there because I was raised abroad (see number#1) but I still love it. If God insists that I die, then it should be there I'd want to go.
3. I have an unhealthy love of Star Trek-The Next Generation (the one with the bald White captain) and Star Trek-DS9 (the one with the bald Black captain). I'm definitely not a nerd but have seen every episode way more than once.
4. I think Jack Nicholson is the coolest white man that’s ever lived.
5. I don’t particularly want to be a millionaire. I just need a Pound more than I can spend. A Cedi more than I can spend would be even better.
6. I sometimes think I might actually be crazy. And when that’s not worrying me, I like it.
7. I have a few aliases that I use in various situations e.g. Anthony Vassa. I won’t name them all, for obvious reasons –not all of them legal but I haven’t used Anthony Vassa for a few years so I can release that.
8. I hate any movie with too many references to the supernatural i.e. Horror movies and Nollywood village withcraft ones. Maybe I'm scared of ghosts. Maybe I don’t wanna let Satan and his crews into my circumstances.
9. I like driving in London. If it wasn’t for petrol prices and lack of parking, I’d do a lot more of it. Nipping in and zipping out and dashing around un-American narrow roadways. I feel like prey and the police and London transport bus lane cameras are the predators.
10. I don’t like driving in Accra. The drivers are crazy and the pedestrians are crazier. They jay-stroll not jay-walk. At night, the roads are not lit but the road users are! (If you’re not American –you might not get that last sentence). everybody’s got nowhere to go but need to get there NOW!
11. I think America is over-rated.
12. I'm a 6’3 Black man but don’t this doesn’t stop old white ladies telling me their life stories. I don’t know if this means I have an honest face or if that’s what gets them mugged(not by me).
13. Most 1990s+ R&B bores me and/or gets on my nerves.
14. My favourite superhero is the ‘Incredible Hulk’
15. I like being a fan of something niche and it only annoys me a little when others jump on de bandwagon e.g.50Cent (pre ‘In Da Club’) The Wire (circa 2002-2007) The Sopranos (for the first season). I try not to be one of those annoying “I liked that before it was popular” people but sometimes I do. Apologies.
16. I love reading about ’Medieval African History’. If anyone who has my no# get’s a question on that whilst on ‘Who Wants To Be A millionaire’ I'm the friend they should phone.
17. I have severe difficulty saying ‘no’ to beautiful Black women. This is good and bad because I'll invariably be married to one soon and my problem could lead to talk of being whipped and a lack of a prenuptial agreement. I know beauty is only skin deep but I can say no to ugly women. And I do so. Alot.
18. I generally assume I'm de best dressed man within a 3 square mile radius.
19. I LOVE Black people but I hate nigg*rs.
20. I often wonder about the people that took the name ‘Jehovah’ out of the bible and what other editing they did while they were at it.
21. I believe Jews are the funniest people after Black people. Big up Larry David, Jerry Seinfeld, The Marx Brothers, Jackie Mason, Mel Brooks, and that dude that play Ari Gold in 'Entourage'!
22. I have a big memory for quotations of popular figures in contemporary Black culture and history. I quote rappers and comedians like Frasier Crane quotes philosophers and historians.
23. I don’t snitch. Crime is not a life pursuit I’ve pursued but I understand that for some, it’s the most apposite means of making money they can find. I could make a list of crimes I condone, understand, hate, detest but uhm…that’s the stuff of future blogs I s’pose. Suffice it to say if you’re the kind of criminal I grew up alongside in my relatively trouble free East London life: If the police come asking me about you…I won’t know which way you went.
24. I don’t suffer fools. I understand it’s the fashion to pretend you get on with everybody and make nice –Los Angeles style, but I can’t do it. If you do and/or say something REALLY painfully, inexcusably ignorant and stupid around me – I won’t like you. You might not know it but you might notice I won’t be around when you’re around. Ever.
25. I’m a writer. Just in case you didn’t know. I don’t know who my target audience is. I do know that I’m Black, my characters are mostly Black so it follows that my readers will mostly be Black. From about age 10 I loved writing projects at school but didn’t realise it’s something I’d want to do with my life until about age 23.