Explaining ‘SUPERMALT FICTION’

This started of as a writing exercise entitled ‘What my ethnicity means to my writing?’ then halfway through became a perfect blog for you lot. I was then going to title the blog the 5 reasons why I call my creative writing 'Supermalt Fiction'...but then 5 reasons became 6 (Reasons 2 & 3 were once one-SHHH!). I THOUGHT about renaming it'6 Reasons...' or '5 Reasons +1...' but knew my intelligent readers (don't look around -I'm talking about YOU) would see through this. Thus, I skipped the number of reasons thing completely.

My non-creative writing doesn’t really need an explanation because you’re reading THIS and you may have read previous blogs. The title of my blogging in general (or general blogging if you will) is ‘Welcome To The African Quarter’ which should be self explanatory. My blog’s purpose is to treat subjects, African that are avoided or handled delicately or mournfully or over-seriously in an irreverent and humorous manner. Africans take ourselves and our issues too seriously and through other people’s eyes. I like the European way laughing at themselves as a form of self-analysis. People will be too busy laughing to ‘switch-off’ and might get my message in the process.

AAAAANNNYWAY...unto the title of THIS specific blog: Explaining ‘SUPERMALT FICTION’. If you don't already know I’ve nicknamed my style of creative writing ‘Supermalt Fiction’. These are my reasons:

1) The Inside-Joke
It get’s people who know what Supermalt is smiling.
It get’s people who don’t know what Supermalt is smiling and intrigued. Inside jokes are good for business. More on this later but there’s nothing like the smell of the Black esoteric to get White people wanting to ‘buy-in'. YEAH I said it –Every Black person knows what Supermalt is but White people have money too!

2) Supermalt –The beverage
Supermalt is good for you. My writing is going to good for you –whether you’re African or not. At the very least it will make you smile if not laugh. These things are good for your face and/or your lifespan.

3) “What’s Supermalt?”
Supermalt is a very difficult beverage to describe. Many a drinker will tell you it’s better “you taste for yourself”. just like my writing. I as the writer (or brewer if you will) even struggle to describe my writing sometimes. So it’s better you sample it for yourself.

4) Supermalt is brewed in Europe based on an African recipe.
I was born in Africa and raised in Europe. Whilst I'm living in Europe my writing will be largely set in Europe…off an African recipe: African characters with African mindsets, through the African themes, philosophies and to it’s historical and cultural references.

5) Serving suggestions
Supermalt is popularly enjoyed in a party/relaxed atmosphere. My writing is fun and though I hope it’s embraced by all ethnic groups particularly hope it’s enjoyed by African to relax and be entertained while gaining something too.

6) The complex flavour.
Supermalt is an acquired taste. My writing may take some time to get used to because it can be somewhat bitter –variable by the temper at which it’s consumed. My writing may offend at times but I like to think the humour and sweet and cool and energising nature in which it’s delivered will offset that and help readers accept the elements they don’t like in the spirit (Please note Supermalt is non-alcoholic) in which it’s intended.

Mama Bowss!

I am in love with this Woman.
To be precise I am either in love with the Woman or in love with the picture. I am going to print out this Woman and put Her on my wall in kitchen or living room until such time I get married and my wife has me take it down because she's jealous. I don’t know who this Woman is. I might even google the issue after this blog to find out but I probably won't. Maybe I’m in love with the enigma that the Woman and the size of her cigar is.

I don’t even know where she’s from. She can be from Cuba or Haiti or Cape Verde –the details and her language don’t matter. She is an African. Look at the deepness of the Brownness of her skin and the granite in her eyes.

It could be that I’m in love with the picture but I’ve seen photography of this style of lighting up the subject’s eyes the way the Dima Chatrov has and I haven’t fallen in love with subject before. Seems derivative (sorry if using derivative makes me seem like one of those w#nkers but I wanted to risk it.) of the Franklyn Rogers outdoor exhibition in Peckham, you know it –the one with the black and white close-ups of Stringer Bell, Mickey Bricks, and old brother man from Eastenders.

But back to this Woman:

>She represents everything that is my motif ‘Welcome To The African Quarter’. She just does not give a #*&% about what outsiders might think about her.

>She is what God (THE God or one of the lesser ones) would look like if Quentin Tarantino, the Coen brothers and Aaron McGruder ever collaborated on a film where God features. The main character would meet Her and dream of She as a result of a sleep from only the finest marijuana.

>Racism yes, but she has not experienced male chauvinism before. No man would dare, at least not to her face. She is accepted as any man’s equal.

>She is a freedom fighter who has passed on her lessons and training to the next generation of women and men to continue the good fight. She understands that although the battlefield changes the enemy hasn’t, so much.

>She has killed five husbands, only three of them Her own.

>With the right background and teaching she would have risen to a president or general. She knows this although she spends her days rolling cigars (much faster and tighter than the younger girls). She get’s more than the other cigar rollers get for each of Her cigars because of an unopposable combination of Her seneriority, expertise and unf#ckwiddability.

>She is the reincarnation of Harriet Tubman or her grand-niece.

>She is disgusted by women who show their deeply held shame of their skin and hair by doing things to their scalps and skin to look mor European to their body’s detriment.

I am yet to complete my first original properproper poem and this Woman is probably going to be the one to inspire me. I cannot express in words how much the image above inspires and enthrals me! I COULD have said I wish She was my grandmother…on my mother’s side (my paternal grandmother is her own kind of bad-ass) but I will leave it at that and that return to this muse when better words come to me. For those of you who know the story of this Woman –only comment if you REALLY feel the need to DON’T email me because I don’t want to know the truth. This woman is always going to be what she is to me now and more.

Don’t Get It Mixed Up! Part I

I recently submitted ten pages of a sitcom to a BBC competition called ‘All Mixed Up’. Those of you who pass by this blog know that I don’t do self depreciating negativity or pity but all things considered I do believe there’s very little chance of my script getting picked up.

Why? like very good argument, I am supplying three points to support this hypothesis

Reason 1 of 3 Gbontwi won’t be working with the BBC…The competition called for “broad humour that appeals to a wide audience”.
?
I don’t do all that. I only decided to go for the competition because ‘What’s the worst that can happen?’ Actually the worst is someone might steal my idea some years down the line and get rich off it like Warnher Brothers did Carol Stewart. I still submitted my piece despite my DEEP pessimism because nothing from nothing get’s nothing. So after some DIY copyrighting to prevent plagiarism I decided to take ‘All Mixed Up’ as an opportunity to finally put on paper an idea I’ve had bouncing in my head for a couple of years now.

I got to thinking about TV comedy and TV in general about why it has to broad. I love all kinds of comedy TV but very few kinds with my kind of niche humour have made it big in their respective countries or internationally: The Office(UK), The Royle Family, Curb Your Enthusiasm and The Game to name a couple of couples. These had specific humour (that I believe is the smartest & best) that many won’t get but still went large! I have noticed that the shows that do get made that break the mould are spearheaded by big or rising stars that the BBC, NBC etc are willing to take a risk on.

Most TV comedies I’ve liked (Frasier, Cheers, Cosby Show, King of Queens, Spin City) are very funny because of their twenty writer teams comedy but follow standard formulas. These are the TV shows that can be conceived by nobodies (i.e. me) that get picked up for not offending anybody and appealing to every possible Joe Average.

Worse than that though brings me to...

Reason 2 why Gbontwi won’t be working with the BBC…
Because it IS the BBC. The BBC are highly likely to take my highly original idea (titled ‘The St.Reatham Afristocracy’ – the adventures of a dead African leader’s grown up children living in south London) and make it a former shadow of itself.

Again there’s ‘even worse’ option. The show might make Black people look bad. I would probably back out. I could quote ‘The Wire’ as making Black people look bad but still being a BAD muthaphukka of a show but that’s drama and this is comedy. I don’t want no minstrels for my show inside –all in an attempt to make it appeal to the mainstream. Here be the debate. Would they merely want me to put a white face in it like C4 did with Desmond’s? Fact –Black people don’t support their own as much as I could so when I’m writing a TV show who am I expecting to watch it? There was once a TV show called ‘The Game’ on CW –An American TV channel which was one of the baddest Black shows. Because it wasn’t about suffering and pain and hope and bible and God and dancing it got cancelled after 4series. How far would I go to get a show I write a more than cult-following? Not very far I think. 1) Less funny. Just having the BBC having shown interest means I could go away & talk 2 ITV, C4 or sky with that kudos behind me –even if I had 2 pay 2 get my pilot made. The Miss Jocelyn Show or ‘The Crouches’ amongst other BBC productions have all been accused of not being funny. I would rather be funny and then cancelled and remembered fondly (and oft-youtubed) than the common alternative.

I suppose I’ll have to hold out for HBO.

Reason 3 why Gbontwi won’t be working with the BBC…The BBC’s deadline was midnight on a Monday night and I submitted mine at about 00:01 Tuesday morning.

Hackdonga Meets ‘The Titi Gray Show’

This is a tribute to a Youtube hustler. In the midst of my networking as a writer, I meet of models, actors, and of course other writers. There’s a whole lot of talent waiting to be discovered. And that’s what they’re doing waiting. They’ve sent their demo discs and show reels into the Warner this or that and they’re waiting until a rich man with Stein in his surname come to sign them to a big contract and cheque in the first instance. The only thing I have against people that achieve success in this way is that there are VERY VERY rare. Even white people’s submissions to record labels and publishers and studios are getting recorded so this African KNOW it’s tough. I tried to get my book published through the mainstream but went the self-publishing route to create my notoriety.

Introducing Dzifa Abequaye Gray. I’m not saying I’m the new Max Clifford or Simon Cowell for spotting and making future stars but you WILL hear about Dzifa. And this will documentary evidence that you heard it here first! If you already know about her then nod in agreement and go about the business of proclaiming the news of her back to your friends, family, acquaintances and debtors. She is some one not waiting for but creating her own PR storm.

She’s using her show to promote herself and all the likeminded hustlers cum entrepreneurs/actors/singers. I’m about to blog on Black on Black business dime were moving beyond supporting each other just because we’re Black but because we’ve got something worth supporting. Don’t youtube her and program your phones to remind you when she’s on FB because she’s African but because she’s a fun host and she’ll be interviewing the freshest and hungriest talent available in the UK and beyond. Did I mention she’s sexy too? Hold on let me read back quickly…Dzifa…hustler…supporting…first…promote…OBE…No I didn’t. She’s sexy too in a way that is only matched by her voice which is unreasonably sexy as well.

Supermalt Fiction Sound-Off!

Following a date change instead of going to 'Voice Of Africa Radio' this month to talk about the Black History Month release of my debut novel 'What Do You Call It?'... I'm going to 'Voice Of Africa Radio' IN Black History Month to talk about the Black History Month release of my debut novel 'What Do You Call It?

Hear more about the the Crime Comedy story that capers from London to Accra then back to London.
It's got a cool inner-city star, beautiful women, urban to tropical locations, regular bad-guys, secret bad-guys, races, car chases, white van chases, knives, guns...
and Supermalt.
What more could you ask for?

Listen analogue or list online and tell a friend to tell a friend!

The 'Supermalt Fiction' revolution has started.

Brkn Lngwjz > The Hackdongā Remix

Further to my blog on the film ‘Coz ov Moni’ I have scripted a personal remix to their Wanlov The Kubolor and M3nsa -AKA the Fokn Bois' song Brken Lngwjz!

After hearing this particular song on the soundtrack of the film there’s probably no questions fans should have have about the Fokn Bois. I remixed it for myself and though I'm no poet I'll figure out a way of puttin it toi the right kind of instrumental. Totally and utterly self-indulgent -but phukkit this is my blog and hopefully you laugh if I want you to!

Check it out:

The “I'm from Ghana [but I'm not short am I!"] sometimes over-compensator,
The stand up comedians are the new prophets believer,
The ‘if you have to ask you won’t understand’ negotiator,
The medieval African history and now ancient history try-to-reader,
The capitalist and imperialist –yes but lizard-jew-conspiracy not sure if I believer,
The only HBO, MOTD and OBE TV watcher,
The movies from the west writing-acting be the finest but African comedy dey bee sayer,
The cockney rhyming pidgin slang mixer,
The yeah she’s got a big bum but “lookherFACE” headshaker,
The I'm going to be marry an African woman –they EXPENSIVE must preparer!
The “whydon’tIhaveaBritishpassport?” ‘because you won’t understand’ explanation avoider,
The Hacknee&La travellertodefender,
The what’stheworsethatcanhappen maxim liver byer,
The I believe in a God but not religiously aGNOSTICer,
The also Busta Rhymes Fela Kuti truster,
The bum to waist ratio calculator, & if I grab her bum she’ll slap me but worth it nodder.
The America and English are WICKEDEVILLER but also Africans blamer
The “Yeah I get money for drop-in but I’L trotro it” hailer,
The ‘If I wanted to hustle you -you’d be hustled’ hustla,
The “Virgin?! But can you prove it?!” disbeliever,
The your secret is safe with me because I'll forget itta,
The Kwame Nkrumah, Marcus Garvey and Imhotep follower and aspirer,
The Nelson Mandela AND Barack Obama mightcan be over-rated agreer
The “What has Will Smith, Wesley and Denzil got that I don’t have?” complainer
The drug dealers are the new slave catchers sayer.
The I know writers ain’t ‘IN’ right now but we’re coming back mek I believer
The yeah we need a revolution but we need to be organised and on time first.
The not homophobic but we have a problem if you compare it to racism vexer
The offend ‘em then apologiser
The DVD bootleg buyer and music but never porn downloader
The public sector because the private bosses greed too much worker
The ‘Yeah you have a bigger car but can you game like me?’ swaggerer
The make smiler! the procrastinator! the compromiser! The Black Star supporter!
The secret Nigerian admirer! The funny statuser! The equivocator! The joke teller! The humour writer! The planner! The talker! The on-timer! The bad driver! The non-swearer! The temporary non-drinker! The toothpaste bottom squeezer! The lazy blogger!

'Coz Ov Moni'

Apologies for the long delay in my posts. I've been dealing with various publishing woes, woman trouble (posts pending) and post-Suarez depressions.

You like my parole officers will be getting details of whereabouts and my goingz-onz. Let's start with a film premiere I was of course late to because of chicken eating. The premiere was for ‘Coz Ov Moni’ -a film from Accra entirely dialogued in song and lyrics (with subtitles for non-Pidgin speakers).

Check out the youtube clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xhKbiYohn6k

This is the sort of film that should be coming out of Africa. It’s original, stylish, funny. are consummate traits in Ghanaian art and culture and designs but in sn attempt to keep up with the Jones (read: The West...or Nigeria depending on the conversation we’re having) TV and music is becoming more and more predictable and materialistic.

Not ‘Coz Ov Moni’. The first ever pidgin musical. Starring one of hiplifes better beat innovators M3nsa and the Wanlov The Kubolor -a Rastafarian in a skirt -what more could you possibly want from a movie!?! I'm not friends with these guys so this is a GENUINE unsolicited biggup!

Watch out for this film and inevitable sequels. It belongs to the ‘Friday’ school of storylines. I.E. it’s about two men trying to get through a day in their neighbourhood dealing with others with as much style as possible.

I foresee stage musicals and (most probably inferior) copycats. I of course have my autographed copy of film and soundtrack and I'm not sure how you can obtain a copy of the VCD but I'll update this blog when I can about how you can do this.