The thing about relationship blogs is...

Hello! Oh, you weren’t expecting the next blog so quickly huh? Well, what can I say? When I do it I DO IT!

Gbontwi is indeed back. I figure a good way to stroll back into the blogging scene is to talk about other blogs.

How is that the relationship blog is so popular?

Of all the blogs I’ve ever read or discussed on various forms the relationship blog is always HUGE. I see you Dr Rob! I see you too Evelyn!

It means people –male and female want to be in relationships even though we’re all independent and so on. Blogs about just successfully having sex are out there too but blogs on how to comport yourself in coupledom are more than holding their own (see what I did there)so I take them all as a good sign.

How Gbontwi gets women can’t really be put in writing. I smile at a woman and string together funny words in a order she's never heard before and tell her I'll need my number if she wants to hear more. And she does. And have sex.

That's it.

That's it?

No more to see here.

Now, what kind of blog would my approach make for? Yes, a boring one.

You might even be a woman reading this but I have no idea if you'd be the type I would disturb at a debate evening or dairy aisle at Tesco.

The scenarios in the relationship blogs (or 'case studies' if you will) are always so extreme to the point that if they even existed I hope they have no children or no more in addtion to the three by different partners they already have. I feel like I've lived a sheltered life when I read most relationship blogs because the East London (read European ghetto Brooklyn styled ghetto) population I've grown up besides seem like a Jehovah's Witness convention compared to moral-free men and women running threw these blogs and permanently putting the writer of the writer's friends off people of a certain colour, age or particular social welfare.

How is it (I ask myself or the blogger if I have the opportunity) do I never meet these lawless unforgivable people. They're like those wild and those acute designs in catwalk fashion shows -I never see em out here in the real world. Men in the blogs find out that their fiance has previously slept with whole crew/entourage/family. I find that my woman while lovely is a little bit too troublesome to consider spending the rest of my life with her. Mt Blogman woman leaves him when his car is reposessed outside the club. My women are very obliging of the fact that IO only drive a Peugeout (yes, that's the same brand of car as Columbo's) and have still been willing to do things in the backseat. Mr Blog man can't find a woman who doesn't need any recipient of her phone number to be in a Rolls Royce Phantom.

#GaShrug
- Maybe I'm lucky?
- Maybe I put out a certain energy that says only REAL women need apply?
- Maybe my charm immunises these women against the naughty traits they displaty for lesser men?

You're thinking that last one is the most unlikely innit!? You're lucky I agree withn you or I wuold use juju to reach through this computer to slap you this very now!

ANYWAY! All this means is you don’t have to worry yourself. I’ve never been a relationship blogger and never will be but I like to understand trends and whether they’re new trends or just remixed ones. As far as I can figure with the relationship blog it’s not so much that people read them (or watch the youtube versions) to relate to what they're seeing and they can see other people having a worse of the WO-MAN thing than them!

SO with all that said -With this blog I do vow to keep discussing offbeat subjects that other bloggers will overlook.

It's not that I can't...IN FACT, I might now tackle some relationship stuff –if only to be able to say things like “Women want a man in a Range Rover. Not a man roving about within his range.”
^ I just made that up!
Y'see what I mean?!?

I dey like I no dey!*

HAPPY NEW YEARRRRR!

Yes! I CANNOT believe this is the first time I have blogged this year.
I hope your belief system doesn't hold that not bad luck to wish somebody a happy new year in summer or after a riot season or on a Wednesday in August. I will straight away begin with apologising to my readers for my absence and NOT boring you with all that "How the time flew! business. Yes, it feels like yesterday I was deciding which New Years resolutions I wouldn't bother with but what does it all really matter now?

Why I haven’t been blogging. No I haven't been looting, no I haven't got a beautiful African chieftess pregnant and yes my car has dissapeared!

My alibi: WRITING. Not my blog obviously but my second novel AND a TV show both of which you'll be hearing plenty about soon-soon! By the way, did you buy my first one yet? What Do you Call It? Yeah. THAT one!

Another reason I haven't blogged is I am now in the process of shooting letters off to agents in a hunt for one of them to represent me. I have recently finished with third draft of my second novel that I'm happy with and the process of getting an agent is LONG.

Long? Long. My urban dwellers know what that means. For those who live life neat I mean getting an agent is an UNBELIEVABLY ARDUOUS PROCESS. More of that in the...third? fourth? third blog after this one! (will come back and re-edit this if it's actually the second. Suffice it to say for now getting an agent without whom the big puiblishing houses won't look at you is almost as hard as writing the book itself. Well...it's not really...but it is...but isn't at the same time.

I am inspired to return to my blog writing by the likes of new blogger friends like Dr.Rob, Ms Cole, JJ Bola, Simple Simon and the one and only Evelyn Past-Exotic. Check out their blogs when you get a chance and smile or laugh or nod...or ALL three of those things at the REALLY good parts!

Anyway, back to me! The fact that I obviously can't work creatively and journalistically (as a blog kind of is) it’s a damning indictment (yes- I said ‘indictment’ –we use big English here so ready yourself!) against a claim I like to make when I’m feeling troublesome that men can multi-task as well as women.

But in my defense, while I have been keeping my work-rate up I have been spending copious amounts of time on the Facebook group for this podcast: Eloquently Saying Nothing. It’s a lot of fun on this facebook group and maybe some of my commentary and treatises there might make for the beginnings of blogs HERE. I’m trying to get back in the blogging state of mind -YESSSSSSS! Now that I haven't been writing anything creative for a while I can already feel my blogging and truth telling powers aer returning. And surely, like seeing the car you’re looking to buy constantly driving past I’m gonna surely (I said 'surely' twice in one sentence -did you see it!? you can;t tell I;m African innit! No respect for the propriety of the Queen's Mother's language!) see blog ideas coming at me plentyplenty, from everywhere.

ANYWAY, tell a friend to tell a friend to tell a friend Gbontwi Anyetei is back!
In fact, MI DEYA!

*Oh by the way the title of this blog for those blog: 'I dey like I no dey' is Ghana Pidgin-English phrase that translate as I'm here like I'm not here i.e. just keeping a low profile...which is kind of what I';ve been doing if you don't know where to find me in East London.

Explaining ‘SUPERMALT FICTION’

This started of as a writing exercise entitled ‘What my ethnicity means to my writing?’ then halfway through became a perfect blog for you lot. I was then going to title the blog the 5 reasons why I call my creative writing 'Supermalt Fiction'...but then 5 reasons became 6 (Reasons 2 & 3 were once one-SHHH!). I THOUGHT about renaming it'6 Reasons...' or '5 Reasons +1...' but knew my intelligent readers (don't look around -I'm talking about YOU) would see through this. Thus, I skipped the number of reasons thing completely.

My non-creative writing doesn’t really need an explanation because you’re reading THIS and you may have read previous blogs. The title of my blogging in general (or general blogging if you will) is ‘Welcome To The African Quarter’ which should be self explanatory. My blog’s purpose is to treat subjects, African that are avoided or handled delicately or mournfully or over-seriously in an irreverent and humorous manner. Africans take ourselves and our issues too seriously and through other people’s eyes. I like the European way laughing at themselves as a form of self-analysis. People will be too busy laughing to ‘switch-off’ and might get my message in the process.

AAAAANNNYWAY...unto the title of THIS specific blog: Explaining ‘SUPERMALT FICTION’. If you don't already know I’ve nicknamed my style of creative writing ‘Supermalt Fiction’. These are my reasons:

1) The Inside-Joke
It get’s people who know what Supermalt is smiling.
It get’s people who don’t know what Supermalt is smiling and intrigued. Inside jokes are good for business. More on this later but there’s nothing like the smell of the Black esoteric to get White people wanting to ‘buy-in'. YEAH I said it –Every Black person knows what Supermalt is but White people have money too!

2) Supermalt –The beverage
Supermalt is good for you. My writing is going to good for you –whether you’re African or not. At the very least it will make you smile if not laugh. These things are good for your face and/or your lifespan.

3) “What’s Supermalt?”
Supermalt is a very difficult beverage to describe. Many a drinker will tell you it’s better “you taste for yourself”. just like my writing. I as the writer (or brewer if you will) even struggle to describe my writing sometimes. So it’s better you sample it for yourself.

4) Supermalt is brewed in Europe based on an African recipe.
I was born in Africa and raised in Europe. Whilst I'm living in Europe my writing will be largely set in Europe…off an African recipe: African characters with African mindsets, through the African themes, philosophies and to it’s historical and cultural references.

5) Serving suggestions
Supermalt is popularly enjoyed in a party/relaxed atmosphere. My writing is fun and though I hope it’s embraced by all ethnic groups particularly hope it’s enjoyed by African to relax and be entertained while gaining something too.

6) The complex flavour.
Supermalt is an acquired taste. My writing may take some time to get used to because it can be somewhat bitter –variable by the temper at which it’s consumed. My writing may offend at times but I like to think the humour and sweet and cool and energising nature in which it’s delivered will offset that and help readers accept the elements they don’t like in the spirit (Please note Supermalt is non-alcoholic) in which it’s intended.

Mama Bowss!

I am in love with this Woman.
To be precise I am either in love with the Woman or in love with the picture. I am going to print out this Woman and put Her on my wall in kitchen or living room until such time I get married and my wife has me take it down because she's jealous. I don’t know who this Woman is. I might even google the issue after this blog to find out but I probably won't. Maybe I’m in love with the enigma that the Woman and the size of her cigar is.

I don’t even know where she’s from. She can be from Cuba or Haiti or Cape Verde –the details and her language don’t matter. She is an African. Look at the deepness of the Brownness of her skin and the granite in her eyes.

It could be that I’m in love with the picture but I’ve seen photography of this style of lighting up the subject’s eyes the way the Dima Chatrov has and I haven’t fallen in love with subject before. Seems derivative (sorry if using derivative makes me seem like one of those w#nkers but I wanted to risk it.) of the Franklyn Rogers outdoor exhibition in Peckham, you know it –the one with the black and white close-ups of Stringer Bell, Mickey Bricks, and old brother man from Eastenders.

But back to this Woman:

>She represents everything that is my motif ‘Welcome To The African Quarter’. She just does not give a #*&% about what outsiders might think about her.

>She is what God (THE God or one of the lesser ones) would look like if Quentin Tarantino, the Coen brothers and Aaron McGruder ever collaborated on a film where God features. The main character would meet Her and dream of She as a result of a sleep from only the finest marijuana.

>Racism yes, but she has not experienced male chauvinism before. No man would dare, at least not to her face. She is accepted as any man’s equal.

>She is a freedom fighter who has passed on her lessons and training to the next generation of women and men to continue the good fight. She understands that although the battlefield changes the enemy hasn’t, so much.

>She has killed five husbands, only three of them Her own.

>With the right background and teaching she would have risen to a president or general. She knows this although she spends her days rolling cigars (much faster and tighter than the younger girls). She get’s more than the other cigar rollers get for each of Her cigars because of an unopposable combination of Her seneriority, expertise and unf#ckwiddability.

>She is the reincarnation of Harriet Tubman or her grand-niece.

>She is disgusted by women who show their deeply held shame of their skin and hair by doing things to their scalps and skin to look mor European to their body’s detriment.

I am yet to complete my first original properproper poem and this Woman is probably going to be the one to inspire me. I cannot express in words how much the image above inspires and enthrals me! I COULD have said I wish She was my grandmother…on my mother’s side (my paternal grandmother is her own kind of bad-ass) but I will leave it at that and that return to this muse when better words come to me. For those of you who know the story of this Woman –only comment if you REALLY feel the need to DON’T email me because I don’t want to know the truth. This woman is always going to be what she is to me now and more.

Don’t Get It Mixed Up! Part I

I recently submitted ten pages of a sitcom to a BBC competition called ‘All Mixed Up’. Those of you who pass by this blog know that I don’t do self depreciating negativity or pity but all things considered I do believe there’s very little chance of my script getting picked up.

Why? like very good argument, I am supplying three points to support this hypothesis

Reason 1 of 3 Gbontwi won’t be working with the BBC…The competition called for “broad humour that appeals to a wide audience”.
?
I don’t do all that. I only decided to go for the competition because ‘What’s the worst that can happen?’ Actually the worst is someone might steal my idea some years down the line and get rich off it like Warnher Brothers did Carol Stewart. I still submitted my piece despite my DEEP pessimism because nothing from nothing get’s nothing. So after some DIY copyrighting to prevent plagiarism I decided to take ‘All Mixed Up’ as an opportunity to finally put on paper an idea I’ve had bouncing in my head for a couple of years now.

I got to thinking about TV comedy and TV in general about why it has to broad. I love all kinds of comedy TV but very few kinds with my kind of niche humour have made it big in their respective countries or internationally: The Office(UK), The Royle Family, Curb Your Enthusiasm and The Game to name a couple of couples. These had specific humour (that I believe is the smartest & best) that many won’t get but still went large! I have noticed that the shows that do get made that break the mould are spearheaded by big or rising stars that the BBC, NBC etc are willing to take a risk on.

Most TV comedies I’ve liked (Frasier, Cheers, Cosby Show, King of Queens, Spin City) are very funny because of their twenty writer teams comedy but follow standard formulas. These are the TV shows that can be conceived by nobodies (i.e. me) that get picked up for not offending anybody and appealing to every possible Joe Average.

Worse than that though brings me to...

Reason 2 why Gbontwi won’t be working with the BBC…
Because it IS the BBC. The BBC are highly likely to take my highly original idea (titled ‘The St.Reatham Afristocracy’ – the adventures of a dead African leader’s grown up children living in south London) and make it a former shadow of itself.

Again there’s ‘even worse’ option. The show might make Black people look bad. I would probably back out. I could quote ‘The Wire’ as making Black people look bad but still being a BAD muthaphukka of a show but that’s drama and this is comedy. I don’t want no minstrels for my show inside –all in an attempt to make it appeal to the mainstream. Here be the debate. Would they merely want me to put a white face in it like C4 did with Desmond’s? Fact –Black people don’t support their own as much as I could so when I’m writing a TV show who am I expecting to watch it? There was once a TV show called ‘The Game’ on CW –An American TV channel which was one of the baddest Black shows. Because it wasn’t about suffering and pain and hope and bible and God and dancing it got cancelled after 4series. How far would I go to get a show I write a more than cult-following? Not very far I think. 1) Less funny. Just having the BBC having shown interest means I could go away & talk 2 ITV, C4 or sky with that kudos behind me –even if I had 2 pay 2 get my pilot made. The Miss Jocelyn Show or ‘The Crouches’ amongst other BBC productions have all been accused of not being funny. I would rather be funny and then cancelled and remembered fondly (and oft-youtubed) than the common alternative.

I suppose I’ll have to hold out for HBO.

Reason 3 why Gbontwi won’t be working with the BBC…The BBC’s deadline was midnight on a Monday night and I submitted mine at about 00:01 Tuesday morning.

Hackdonga Meets ‘The Titi Gray Show’

This is a tribute to a Youtube hustler. In the midst of my networking as a writer, I meet of models, actors, and of course other writers. There’s a whole lot of talent waiting to be discovered. And that’s what they’re doing waiting. They’ve sent their demo discs and show reels into the Warner this or that and they’re waiting until a rich man with Stein in his surname come to sign them to a big contract and cheque in the first instance. The only thing I have against people that achieve success in this way is that there are VERY VERY rare. Even white people’s submissions to record labels and publishers and studios are getting recorded so this African KNOW it’s tough. I tried to get my book published through the mainstream but went the self-publishing route to create my notoriety.

Introducing Dzifa Abequaye Gray. I’m not saying I’m the new Max Clifford or Simon Cowell for spotting and making future stars but you WILL hear about Dzifa. And this will documentary evidence that you heard it here first! If you already know about her then nod in agreement and go about the business of proclaiming the news of her back to your friends, family, acquaintances and debtors. She is some one not waiting for but creating her own PR storm.

She’s using her show to promote herself and all the likeminded hustlers cum entrepreneurs/actors/singers. I’m about to blog on Black on Black business dime were moving beyond supporting each other just because we’re Black but because we’ve got something worth supporting. Don’t youtube her and program your phones to remind you when she’s on FB because she’s African but because she’s a fun host and she’ll be interviewing the freshest and hungriest talent available in the UK and beyond. Did I mention she’s sexy too? Hold on let me read back quickly…Dzifa…hustler…supporting…first…promote…OBE…No I didn’t. She’s sexy too in a way that is only matched by her voice which is unreasonably sexy as well.

Supermalt Fiction Sound-Off!

Following a date change instead of going to 'Voice Of Africa Radio' this month to talk about the Black History Month release of my debut novel 'What Do You Call It?'... I'm going to 'Voice Of Africa Radio' IN Black History Month to talk about the Black History Month release of my debut novel 'What Do You Call It?

Hear more about the the Crime Comedy story that capers from London to Accra then back to London.
It's got a cool inner-city star, beautiful women, urban to tropical locations, regular bad-guys, secret bad-guys, races, car chases, white van chases, knives, guns...
and Supermalt.
What more could you ask for?

Listen analogue or list online and tell a friend to tell a friend!

The 'Supermalt Fiction' revolution has started.